The good, the bad and the ugly of 2009...

Well, it seems to be the trend to write an end of the year blog. Makes sense. Think I'll do the same...

2009 has been a very tough year for me. Two very significant trials came upon me this year that have changed me forever. First, in April, I lost my mom to a life long battle with scoliosis. I have attended seminars and classes on grief in my pursuit of ministry as a chaplain, yet nothing could prepare me for the grief I felt after losing her. The grief is teaching me. THANK GOD!! Now, when I face a family in crisis, I can KNOW what they're feeling. Then there was September that brought an accident in which I fell and broke my knee cap. I am still recovering from that and am scheduled for a procedure in January where my doctor will put me under anesthetic and bend my knee which can now only bend at 62 degrees. It has been a painful process. Frustrating...you have no idea. I've had to put seminary on hold and my life for that matter. But during that time, God has been teaching me about Him, His word and caused me to face things about myself. It's really been a life changing experience.

Many years ago, when my husband left me and my daughter, I learned how trials and storms bring us closer to God. They change us. They weaken us so that God can be stronger. They make us dependent on Him and our spirit grows and learns and in His strength becomes stronger. We learn about His mercy and grace. We learn that He is God and we are not. Looking back on my divorce and single parenthood, I would do it all over again to have the dependence on God I have today. I fell in love with Him then and the new trials are just making that love and dependence that much deeper.

Yesterday, I was watching the movie, "Rocky Balboa". In it, Rocky was talking to his son about life being hard and he said, "It's not about how hard you hit (keep in mind, Rocky is a fighter) but how hard life can hit you and you still move forward." Ain't it the truth. But, I'm certain you can't move forward without the strength, love and guidance of God. This reminded me of a little movie I saw this year called, "The Butterfly Circus". My favorite line from this movie was, "The harder the struggle, the more glorious the triumph". I know none of these trials this year will go to waste.

On the other hand, there have been many blessings that deserve and require mention....

My husband Tony and I were baptized at our church back in January. We had both been sprinkled in our pasts but this was by immersion. What an awesome experience that was!!! I had been so proud and so self-conscious in my past that I avoided it...I'm ashamed to say. But, since I've done it, I would do it again and again. To be baptized the way my Jesus was is an AWESOME experience!!!!!

Even though the circumstances were hard, I officiated my first funeral. Yes, it was my mom's. But I had shared with her before she died what I was going to say and do and she loved it!! I had her full approval and knowing that made it so much easier to stand before family and friends and share our faith and celebrate her life. I know God was with me that day and he blessed my efforts with success.

I also preached my first sermon!! That had a profound effect on me. I wept for a day after I did that. I felt God's call on me for teaching and preaching and wasn't sure I was worthy or able to answer such a call. But, I learned that God has made me well able to do whatever He calls me to do. I am open to His plans.

My husband has begun playing his drums again after packing away his sticks over 20 years ago. He was a gifted drummer in his younger days but had given up ever doing it again. Then one day at church, our music director announced that our worship team needed a drummer. I knew those quiet drums were up there waiting for him. I told him that often. It made him uncomfortable but he couldn't deny God's call. He is now in the practicing, getting rid of the rust and refining his talents stage and should be playing for the church worship team very soon!!!

My family has discovered that we are expecting a new member to our clan!! My niece is pregnant and should be hatching around May. After the loss of Mom, the thought of new life in our family is very welcome. May God bless this precious child!!

I am hopeful for 2010. I can take the lessons I've learned in 2009 with me and grow even more. As for resolutions...of course I have one. That is to get control of my body again. Being laid up with a knee that won't bend and gaining weight from the inactivity really makes you appreciate mobility. I want to take better care of myself. It's more than just weight loss...it's about being stronger, being healthier, not being in pain all the time because I don't exercise or take care of myself. It's about not taking my body (which is the temple of the Holy Spirit) for granted. I'll keep y'all posted on this progress.

May you all have a wonderful 2010!!

I've just seen Jesus...

As I begin to write this post, I must admit, I have been struggling most of the afternoon with how to possibly put words to the story I'm about to tell. I don't want to misrepresent the facts. I don't want to minimize God's work. I don't want it to be at all about me...because it's not. I ask that you read this story with the understanding that this is about the glory, power and love of Almighty God.

On September 19th of this year, a member of our church family was riding his bicycle home very early in the morning when he was struck by a hit and run driver. 28 year old Nic Nihiser was in grave condition when he was brought to Methodist Hospital. His head recieved such trauma that his brain was actually on the street. For several weeks, decisions had to be made in regards to his care by his parents and the prognosis did not look good. But, Nic's family and friends would not give up on a miracle. Prayers, prayer vigils, fund raisers and food brought to the hospital for the family were constantly flowing and surrounding Nic and his family with the love of God.

Since that time, we have gotten updates like: The swelling in Nic's brain has gone down; Nic opened his eyes and squeezed his mom's hand; Nic spoke; Nic is entering rehab. And now just 3 months after the accident, Nic is going home. It's been an absolutely amazing process to hear about. We were told that the doctor's were amazed as they had not given him much hope of recovery. While it is understood that Nic has a long way to go, he has definitely come a long way.

Today at our Sunday morning service, we celebrated the joy and gift of Christmas. It was a service of music and worship. Pastor John gave a devotional near the end and invited people to come forward to accept Christ or recieve prayer. As we sang, "Jesus Messiah" I noticed the people behind me stepping into the aisle and heading toward the front. As I watched them pass, I saw a middle aged couple walking on either side of a young man who was obviously disabled but walking...as they walked people began applauding...it was Nic. Nic and his parents went up to the front for prayer. There wasn't a dry eye in the house.

As I watched this young man walk to the front of the church, parents holding onto him, I realized I was watching a miracle. I realized I was looking at the hand of Jesus. Our church truly became a family rejoicing in the love of our Father. We knew where Nic had been and we saw the love of God all over him.

Jesus Messiah

Name above all names

Blessed redeemer

Emmanuel (God with us!!)

An Angel In Disguise

A few years ago, my daughter Chelsi got a job at a local Arby's. While she worked there, we came to know a woman who came in every day at noon. There was never a day she missed. Her name was Marilyn and she had been coming in for so many years that she was given a name tag from the Arby's folks. It was not unusual to see her cleaning off tables, wiping down the pop and condiments counter, and even going behind the front counter to help out where needed. I remember wondering why she did this and thought maybe it was because she was retired and needed something to do. She wasn't being paid and didn't have to be there but she had better attendance than most of the employees. She was always so friendly and welcoming and I loved stopping in at lunchtime to see Chelsi and find her there.

After Chelsi left Arby's for her current job at Officemax, we still made occassional trips to Arby's to visit with Marilyn at lunchtime but as time went on and life got busy, we didn't go in as often. Several months had passed and we realized it had been awhile so we went in to see Marilyn. We were shocked to find that she had cancer. She was wearing a wig and smiling and greeting people just like always. As we talked with her, I heard her talk about her cancer with such faith. She talked about how she knew God was in control and that he can heal her and that no matter what happens, she will be just fine. I stood there, talking with this woman tired from the chemo but spiritually strong. She loved God and shared that love with everyone she met. She explained to us that her daily visits to Arby's was a ministry God had put on her heart years ago. It was beautiful.

Months later, my mom went into home hospice care. I was losing her. My heart was so heavy and the grief was so strong. I went directly to Arby's. As I walked in the door, there was Marilyn, cleaning the pop and condiment counter. She looked at me and said, "What's wrong?" I went right to her without a word and was embraced as I sobbed on her shoulder. She told me it was going to be ok. I shared with her what was going on with Mom and she told me she would be praying for her and my family. We talked about God's love and eternity and I was comforted greatly.

Today, I was struggling with the loss of my mom and Christmas coming up and the ball and chain feeling this recovering knee is causing. So much is going on on both sides of my family and my heart was heavy. I had spent the morning crying with a friend of mine and after she left, I decided to take a shower. I turned on some music by Jerry Williams formerly of the 80's Christian group "Harvest". I listened to his inspired songs as I prepared for the rest of my day and it came to me, "Go see Marilyn." After I showered, I got myself together and went to Arby's. There she was...hollowed eyes, pale and very thin. Fragile?? Not so's you'd notice. We talked about her chemo and how the cancer has spread into her back and how they had to drain fluid off her lungs the other day. "But, " she said, "God is still good and I know I'm gonna be ok. I'm not worried about it. God knows what He's doing and I'm thankful. Whatever happens I'm ready." She shared about how the things in this world just don't matter to her any more. She doesn't get upset about things like she used to. (Signs of a foot in eternity) I was inspired and reminded of God and His wonderful Kingdom and how I am a part of that. It is forever but this world is not.

What a special lady Marilyn is. The day she goes home to Jesus I will be very sad and yet rejoicing for her. I call her an angel because she truly is a messenger from God.

My New Look

While checking in with my blog this morning, I began reading the blog "Striving For Simplicity". I was really enjoying it and as I looked around I found in the corner of her page a link to "The Cutest Blog on the Block" offering free backgrounds. Wanting to perk up my blog, I decided to check it out. Oh my gosh!!! So many choices and all free!!

This began the search through design after design for the one that would work for my blog. Not being one who is fond of paisley, flowers and lace, I had serious doubts that I would find anything that would suit me. I'm more of a geometric modern type. My favorite color combination is black, red and white. I was sure I wouldn't find anything like that. But what to my wandering eyes should appear...no, not a sleigh and eight tiny reindeer....but a beautiful black, red and white layout for Christmas!! PERFECT!! Thinking it was going to be really hard to figure out how to get it on my blog, I hesitated to do it. But, I figured, "What the heck!!" So, I followed the directions given and VOILA!!! My blog is decorated for Christmas in my style!!

I hope you all like it...

Meet my "kids"

For the past three months, I have been sitting at home mostly and there are two sweet souls who have made it so much easier for me. They have been my constant companions and I have bonded with them even more than I was before...which was considerable. I'd like to take this time to introduce you to them....they are truly precious.


First, meet Roy. Roy is our 3 1/2 year old dachshund. As you can see, he is adorable but the picture does not do him justice. He is a love bug. So many times, as I sat in my recliner, leg elevated on a pillow and whimpering in pain little Roy would sit on my lap, leaning back cradled in my arm and looking adoringly into my teary eyes. A gentle lick on the nose was his way of saying, "I love you. Everything's gonna be ok. I feel your pain." Those big brown eyes are so expressive!! He is the top dog in the house. He has learned how to outsmart my other dog...who I will introduce in a moment. Take for instance when my other dog has a toy Roy wants: Roy will walk over to the back door and begin barking furiously. This gets the full attention of my other dog who goes running frantically to the back door, barking all the way. As she runs to the door, Roy runs to the desired toy and takes it into the other room and hides it. She falls for it everytime!! Roy is Tony's dog but we share him. He's our baby boy.


And finally, my baby girl, Gracie. Gracie is a 3 year old yellow lab. She's beautiful!! When we first got her at the age of 4 months, she was a handful. If you've ever seen a lab puppy in action, you know what I'm talking about. My goodness!!! The movie Marly and Me (yes, I've seen it and I'll never watch it again. Can't handle it) does not exagerate. I didn't think I would ever adjust to her. She has since mellowed out a bit and has turned into a precious companion. She's so bright and so gentle. She and Roy went to obedience school when they were younger. Roy had to quit because he was too vocal and too afraid to handle it. Gracie, on the other hand, did quite well and as her extra trick for graduation, she learned how to bow...tail in the air, head and chest on the ground. Since my recent injury, she has been so supportive. After I got out of my cast, I began the task of bending my knee which had been immobilized for 2 months. This was pain that caused me to wail and cry the first few days. One day, as I worked with my knee, sobbing in pain, Gracie layed on the floor next to me just watching me and whining. Then she got up, found one of her toys and layed it in my lap. My tears gave way to laughter. I hugged on her neck and kissed her sweet snout. What a sweetheart!! While Gracie is my dog, Tony has fallen in love with her too.

So, you see, these little souls have been wonderful companions during my recovery and have found an even more precious place in my heart. If you're a dog lover, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

There is a season...

I've noticed myself being very restless lately. I haven't been able to focus and do the things that I want to do. I find myself watching endless hours of TV and wanting to go to bed way earlier than usual. Today I forced myself to sit down and bring my restless heart to the throne of God. I came to realize what I'm dealing with...

On April 19 this year, my mom died. Nothing could have prepared me for the pain I have endured since that day. This is the first holiday season without her and she was such a central part of it. I knew I had to deal with this so today, I opened my heart and let the river of pain flow. I got out the home videos of past Christmases and watched her walking, talking, laughing, moving...living. She got so excited about the little things. I watched the love in her eyes when she held my daughter (who at the time was 2 years old) on her lap. Her family meant everything to her. She loved us. I smiled with tears streaming down my face when I watched her open a 5 foot tall container of red licorice that I had given her for a gift. I saw her hands...the same hands that reached out and touched mine the day before she died. I even saw her wearing the very same outfit she wore in her casket. I saw the ring on her finger that now sits on mine. I heard that voice that I long to hear on the phone when I call. I miss my mom so much. I watched her do things she used to do that would irritate me and now would give anything to see or hear it again. Don't ever take for granted those in your life. They are so precious.

After talking with a friend of mine yesterday who is also missing her mom as the holidays are upon us, I realize I'm not the only one. As much as we want to deck the halls and sing joy to the world, we also have our silent night of sorrow. We miss them. If you're reading this and you're missing someone too, please tell me about them. Leave a comment and share your story. Consider the candle on this post a representation of a candle light prayer vigil. Don't run from your grief. Face it. Let it flow. Take the time. Then on Christmas day when you are gathered with friends and family, take the love they left with you and embrace the day knowing they would want you to be happy and celebrate. Celebrate the precious gift that God gave us that will enable those of us who love and believe in Christ to be together again forever. Celebrate the birth of our King.

There is a time for everything, and a season for every purpose under heaven...a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.

Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4

NOISE, NOISE, NOISE

While sitting quietly in my living room this morning, no TV, no radio, no Cd's or MP3s playing; I realized that I was feeling uncomfortable. It was quiet. No distractions. No noise. I remembered the night before as I lye in bed trying to pray, my mind was racing with the "noise" of that day. Commercials, theme songs, music, lyrics, lines from movies all rushing through my mind at break neck speed. It was hard to be quiet in the presence of God and talk with Him.

This world has inundated us with constant entertainment, stimulating every audio and visual nerve receptor in our brains. It is so commonplace that the thought of having a home without a TV, stereo or computer seems cruel and unusual. Children are presented with toys that speak, act and think for them. Is it not the truth, that when we are walking through the toy section of a store, we grab that sweet little stuffed puppy and look for the button that makes it bark or dance or pant and when it doesn't have it, we toss it aside??

Satan has a very effective, very subtle weapon...DISTRACTION. We are flooded with it and it is such a part of our lives we don't see it for what it is. I challenge us...yes, that includes me...to fight the distractions. Have that morning quiet time, turn the radio off in the car and drive quietly listening for your God, work around the house without the TV on. Remember, sometimes the reason we don't hear from God is that we are so distracted, He couldn't get our attention if He had a megaphone to our ear. Think about it.

Gratitude

After going to the physical therapist yesterday and finding that my knee is at a 47 degree bend, I woke up this morning with a bit of a chip on my shoulder at the immobility of it and how much work it was going to take to get it back to normal. I looked down at my knee and got a sudden flashback of seeing my leg in an ankle to hip blue fiberglass cast just over a month ago. It was completely straight, very painful and I was taking a constant flow of pain medicine. I longed for the day when I could DO something to help the healing. Well, that day is here and I'm whining and complaining. As I stared at that leg with the memories flooding me, I thought to myself, "How ungrateful."

God is my loving Father...among other things. Being a parent myself, I can't help but wonder how it would feel if I gave my daughter a gift, perhaps something she specifically asked for, and she complained that it wasn't enough. Thankfully, I have been blessed with a daughter who is very grateful when I give her a gift. (This made single parenthood so much easier when I couldn't give her exactly what she wanted)

How can we expect God to abundantly bless us when we are ungrateful for the many ways He already does??

Several years ago, I learned the concept of gratitude in a very real way. I was working as a medical claims processor and I hated my job. I didn't want to make friends with anyone and I was miserable every time I went to work. I started to realize how ungrateful I was being about my job so I began looking for things to thank God for. It began with simple things like, "Thank you God for this comfortable chair I get to sit in"; "Thank you that I get to listen to my Cd's while I work"; "Thank you for the view outside the office window". I began to appreciate my job and making friends. I met some wonderful people and am still very good friends with one in particular. But, the biggest thing that developed was the ability to witness about my faith to those I worked with. The people there began to notice the music I listened to and the teaching tapes I listened to and they started listening to some of them. They would come to me and ask me about issues in their lives and their faith. The biggest honor I was given was being appointed the one to pray with our unit after the terrorist attacks of 9/11.

"...in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." --Philippians 4:6b-7