Focus of a Champion

This past Tuesday, I was watching The Biggest Loser. The contestants were taken to the Olympic Training Center in Colorado to train and eat and live with the Olympic athletes. They were taken to the dining area where very specific meals were prepared for each athlete based on the event they were training in. Some needed high calories, some needed low calories. Some needed more carbs than protein; some more protein than carbs. The training center is where the athletes spent most of their time (Duh!!). Their focus and determination without distraction was inspiring.

On a seemingly different story (they'll work together. Just stay with me) this past Wednesday I had a paper due in my Christologies of the New Testament class. I had to be at school by 2:15 and I was still writing it at 12:45 because I had wasted a lot of time over the weekend and early part of the week watching TV, sleeping, trying to read the assignment I was writing about while watching TV...you get the idea. This was not the first paper I left til the very last minute this semester. Thankfully I got an A on the first one but this one Wednesday....not so sure. I'll find out next week.

The point I'm getting at is this...I believe I've been called to be in seminary at this time in my life to train for the call God has put on my heart. Why do I take it so lightly?? This call is eternally important. To treat it with such laxidazy and disrespect is shameful. Ok...I know I'm human but so are the Olympic athletes.

II Timothy 1:7 says, "For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of self-control." Some translations say self-discipline. I pray that God will help me to draw on that Spirit of self-discipline to get my focus where it needs to be.

God has entrusted all of us with our various gifts and abilities and we need to take it seriously. If we get lazy and distracted, I'm sure He can find what He needs somewhere else. We won't make the Olympics, we'll just sit at home and watch them on TV wondering what might have been.

Freedom

It's been a little over a week since I wrote about the issue of my weight. I am very grateful to all of you who commented and shared your stories and encouragement. I was amazed at how many of us have been "cell mates" in this prison of perfection.

Since I last wrote a lot has happened...First, I have opted to stay off the scale. I can honestly tell you, I have no idea how much I weigh and I don't want to know. I am very tired of bowing down to a number. No more.

Second, I went out and purchased clothes that I really like and bought them in my size. It was quite an adventure. I really thoroughly enjoyed myself. I tried on the clothes in the dressing room and even though they were a size bigger the walls didn't come crashing down, life didn't stop, and, I have to say, I looked good in them. I don't know if there was a two way mirror or any form of security watching me but if there was, they saw me lift my hands and praise and thank God. When I took my treasures to check out, the cashier was a very friendly older lady. I told her, "You have no idea what a major thing this is." I began to share with her my story of gaining weight while laid up and buying a bigger size and how all is still well with the world. She completely understood...as did the woman behind me. Before I knew it, we were all talking and laughing. God provided angels.

Finally, I still am going to physical therapy for my knee. Part of the workout is riding a bike for 8 minutes. On the little screen that keeps the time is also a number that you can set to show RPMs or calories burned....it's always on Calories burned when I get on it so I immediately turn it to RPMs. I don't want to feed the beast.

I feel like God has opened the door of the prison and every one of these steps I've taken are steps out the door. God doesn't want us bowing to the demands of this world. He wants us bowing only to Him and focusing on the things of Him and His Kingdom.

No one serving as a soldier gets involved in civilian affairs--he wants to please his commanding officer.

II Timothy 2:4    

I'm So Torn

I am an avid football fan. I love the Denver Broncos (as you may know, their season is over) and I enjoy watching Notre Dame games. I'm very much looking forward to the Super Bowl this Sunday, especially since my fair city of Indianapolis is being represented. Back in the day, I used to like watching Golf when Tiger Woods was playing. His focus, discipline and skill were intriguing to me. (Can't tell you how disappointed I am in the latest developments in his life)

With all this said, I have to get something off my chest. Last night, I was watching the news and a sports story came on concerning Payton Mannings (quarterback for the Indianapolis Colts) upcoming contract negotiations. The Colts want him to stay in Indy real bad, so the talk at this point is that he will be offered a $20 million/year contract PLUS a $50 million sign on bonus. This will make him the highest played player in the NFL....EVER!! People!! The man plays a game!!! He strategically throws passes, or hands off a ball to someone to get it through men who are trying to stop him past a line at the end of a field. IT'S A GAME!!!

Tiger Woods is the only billion dollar athlete and he hits a ball with a stick into a hole better than anyone else. He was lifted up as a hero...dare I say, a god...but the hero fell. Why?? Because he is a human being with imperfections, flaws and weaknesses. He is not without fault, he is not supernatural. He is a man.

I can't help but think of my friend in Fort Wayne who is a police officer. I remember her telling me of an incident on the job that could have so easily taken her life. And yet, she continued to put on that uniform and get in her squad car to protect the citizens of Fort Wayne. "No one has greater love than this, that someone would lay down his life for his friends." (John 15:13) It kills me that this woman who risks her life every day she works and even on days when she's off duty has to work part time jobs to make ends meet.

I also think about my step-daughter who is a teacher in public schools. She chose one of the tougher school systems in our area because she wanted to touch the lives of kids who may not have as good a chance as those in other schools. She works long hours, then she comes home and has to work grading papers, preparing lesson plans. She just recently earned her masters degree. She is teaching young minds and preparing them for their future. Yet she and her husband often struggle financially. The public schools were making cuts when the Colts were getting a new stadium and we in Indy were given a tax increase to support it.

The priorities in this country are majorly screwed up!! The highest paid people are not the firefighters, teachers, police officers, even the president. Our military families are often on food stamps and welfare and they are defending our country!! The highest paid people entertain us!! Granted there are the corporate folks who are making good money as well but I'm talking about the people who entertain us and how they not only live like kings but are exalted as gods and godesses. There is only one God. "You shall have no other gods before me." (Exodus 20:3) Think about it.

As you can probably tell, this one bothers me a bit. What do you all think??

My prison

This is a tough posting for me but one I feel God is encouraging me to write. I'm hoping that by posting this, maybe God will speak to someone who's dealing with the same thing and this thing that has gripped me for years will be out on the carpet, exposed to the light and seen for what it is...

This all began back in my senior year of high school. I was dating a good looking college guy I had met at a Full Gospel Business Men's Dinner I was attending with my Dad. I was feeling so good that this good looking "older" guy was interested in me. After we had been dating about a month or so, I had asked him to my prom which was about a month or so away. That's when it happened. He bet me that I couldn't lose 10 pounds by the prom. Where did that come from??? My weight was something I never even thought about. I was 5'10" and if I was overweight at all, it was only a little.

That one comment began me on a journey of worrying about my weight my entire adult life. In my late 20's, this prison went from minimum to maximum security when my former husband gave my weight as one of the reasons he no longer wanted to be married and went off with someone else. That has caused me to link love with conditional upon looks and weight (something my current husband has had to fight). I have not been able to truly enjoy food because I'm either counting my calories to the exact number or I eat something I really enjoy then feel very guilty about it later. I watch other people sit down to a meal and just enjoy it, or make a dinner at home with side dishes or bread and think, "Boy, I'd like to have the freedom to do that." The thing about all of this...I've never been overweight. I have always been within my weight limits, never had a doctor tell me I needed to lose weight and have had people describe me as tall and skinny. Until now...

Since I broke my knee cap my activity level has dropped (though it's picking up now), I have also entered perimenopause and losing weight has not been easy. I guess you could say, "The thing I feared the most has come upon me."  I'm about 15-20 lbs over what I should be. I have found that my clothes are getting too snug but instead of going out and getting a size bigger, I just continuously wear the ones I can still wear. I fear that getting a size bigger is accepting my current state and what will everyone think? Funny thing though...no one has ever said anything about my weight gain. My knee doc told me I needed to keep my weight down but nothing more. My physical therapist couldn't believe he said it....and yet, I'm so ashamed.

I know I'm not alone in this. Though the details of the stories may be different, the core of the story is very much the same as some of you. This issue is so common with women and I've come to a point in my life where I'm tired of it. I'm tired of worrying about this. I'm tired of thinking about my next meal and what I'm going to eat all the time. I'm tired of dreading going to my closet and getting dressed. I'm tired of bowing to that scale. I'm tired of comparing myself to other women and knowing I am so inferior because I'm so much bigger. I'm tired of dieting.

Now I do have things in my life like high cholestrol and muscle and joint problems that require me to watch what I eat and exercise but I want to do that for the right reasons, not so I can be skinnier. I don't even want to think about that. I want that to be an after thought, not the reason.

Yesterday, during my God time, I got before God and cried my heart out to Him about this prison I'm in. I asked Him to help me. Of course my initial idea of help was, just get the weight off and I'll be happy. But, we both know that's not the answer. He brought me to the following verse:

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Your works are wonderful, I know that full well

Psalm 139:14

Today, the verses continued to ring out to me when I found this through a Beth Moore teaching:

Get rid of the old yeast that you may be a new batch without yeast--as you really are.

I Corinthians 5:7a

He is guiding me to stay off the scale, to go out and buy some clothes I like even in a bigger size and He encouraged me to write this blog. I don't mind telling you, this was not easy. I've really opened a painful and vulnerable area of my heart to you. Why would I do that?? God told me too. His ways are not my ways. I don't know His plans for this blog but I know it's important to Him, to me and maybe even to you.

Heartcry for Haiti

Just like the rest of you, I have been seeing reports on the horrific earthquake that hit the country of Haiti last week. Images of a child in the arms of a rescue worker, covered with dust; rescue workers sitting on top of the debris with their head in their hands; people lying on the ground in make-shift hospitals; and communities that are now nothing more than piles of rubble. These kinds of images are so far beyond our comfort zone; so far beyond anything we've ever experienced; so far beyond anything we could ever imagine that we really don't grasp what's happening. We can turn our TVs off, close our newspapers or switch to something else on the internet. We can turn it off. It's unpleasant, we can't relate...we don't want to.

 My pastor and his wife have become pretty good friends to my husband and I. They have been very supportive of my pursuit of ministry and were right there when I broke my knee cap. My pastor's wife and I have become quite the email buddies and have been encouraging one another through some medical stuff we've each had to go through. These sweet people have eight kids, two of which were adopted from Haiti. Yesterday, the pain of the events of the past week became real for me...

During our Sunday morning service, Pastor John shared his concerns about the Haitian tragedy and how we could help with donations and prayer. In the midst of sharing, he asked three members of our congregation to stand. These three children were all adopted from Haiti, two of which were his own. As he looked at these sweet faces looking up at him, he began to share how his one daughter was from Port-au-Prince...then the grief gripped him so tightly he couldn't speak. The pain in his eyes, the sorrow in his heart was so apparent there was no denying the horror of this tragedy. He wept and fought hard to speak the words, "Had we not adopted her and brought her here, she would be there."

As I listened to him speak, I heard the unspoken words, "PLEASE HELP THEM!!" I heard the desparation. I heard the deep, deep sorrow. I heard, "We've got to do something!!" I heard a father heartbroken for what could have been and what was. I heard a father...I heard two fathers. I heard the father of 2 sweet Haitian girls and I heard our Heavenly Father. Both were heartbroken; both were merciful; both were filled with compassion.

PLEASE HELP THEM!!

Another lesson in trust...

Tuesday morning, I had the manipulation under anesthesia done on my knee as scheduled. It went very well and my knee is bending so much better now. None the less, there is still a lot of work to do; it is not easy and is quite painful. Part of the process is physical therapy. I have had to meet with my physical therapist every day since I had the manipulation done. It is in this work that I have experienced a lesson in trust...

As part of the therapy, my physical therapist has me lay on my back on the therapy table. She stands next to the table on the side of the bad leg. With my good knee bent, foot flat on the table, she places her hand on my good knee which produces her arm as an extended support. She drapes my bad knee over her arm and applies pressure at the front of my ankle to produce more flexion. Whimpering from me often happens when she does this but as I've learned to relax and trust her, I've found that it doesn't hurt near as bad and in fact the stretch actually feels good. The problem comes when I fight her. When I feel that bit of pain and start tensing my muscles trying to protect myself from the pain, I don't get as much stretch and the pain is excruciating. Even though my instincts are saying that I am protecting myself, keeping myself from being hurt; I am actually hindering the healing, slowing the process and making it much worse for me.

Then I realize how I do that with God. Watching the DVD study, "Living Beyond Yourself" by Beth Moore this morning, she talked about faith. She talked about how faith is often built during the through times. The times when we actually have to go through the tough times, the trials, the pain is when faith is really built. She called it "through faith". We make it hard on ourselves when we resist God because it hurts, it's hard or we're afraid. I know laying on that table, some of my fight comes from merely the fear of it hurting.

How often do we slow the healing process, delay the growth or simply get stuck because what God is taking us through hurts or we're simply afraid it's going to hurt?? We begin to resist, fight it and make it much harder than it has to be. When we can learn to relax and trust God, we can experience true healing and grow in faith...through faith.

We Either Trust Him Or We Don't

Tomorrow, I am going to have a "Manipulation Under Anesthetic" (MUA) done to my knee. It's like this, my knee has been immobile for months due to the fractured knee cap and as a result, it won't bend beyond 62 degrees. So, doc is going to anesthetise me and BEND IT. I'll be hooked up to a pain pump and have pain meds for a few days following. Probably a real good idea.

Knowing this procedure has been on the calendar since before Christmas, I have been asking God to please protect me from any colds, flus, or viruses going around since they won't put you under anesthetic if you're sick. My husband has been battling a cold since before Christmas that we thought was gone but now seems to have gone into his ears and a dear friend who visits me every week at least once developed asthmatic bronchitis (something I have a weakness for) a couple weeks ago. Yet with all these germs and bugs around me, I have walked through the water and fire untouched. Thank God.

Last night, I woke up with a coughing fit. I sometimes do that when I wake and I feel like something has gone down the wrong pipe and I'm choking. This usually happens when I'm battling the asthmatic bronchitis so to have this happen when I'm healthy is unusual. As I worked to pull myself together, coughing, tears streaming down my face, I couldn't help but notice that one side of my nose was all stuffed up. Panic kicked in.

"Please God!! Please God!! Don't let me get sick!! Please, don't let me get sick!!" I began thinking about how if I was sick, the surgeon would have to postpone my procedure. This in turn would take me into the next semester of seminary which begins next week and how would I possibly be able to have this done then. Then what if I would have to take another leave of absence from seminary, I would lose my scholarship. Then if I lose my scholarship, how could I afford to keep going... You get the idea.

Just then, I remembered a teaching by Beth Moore where she talked about trusting God. She described how we will be in a situation where we need something from God....like this situation I just described. We will tell Him how to fix it, do it, or provide it and then seal it with "...in Jesus' name". Then if God does not fix it, do it or provide it the way we wanted it, then we are down for the count. That, my friends, is not trust. We have to realize that God knows what He's doing and His ways are not our ways. His priorities are not our priorities. He has an eternal view whereas we have a worldly view. Everything we see here with our human eyes is temporary. Even our own bodies are temporary. He has a focus on our forever and what we go through here on this earth is preparing us for His eternal life.

When I got a grasp on this as I lay in bed, sipping on my water, I experienced such a sense of peace. I knew that God knows what's best for me. I want my eyes to be set on His kingdom and His ways and not the ways of this world.

Philipians 4:6-7 says, "Don't worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses every thought, will guard your heart and your minds in Christ Jesus." Notice it says requests not demands. It also says that God's peace will guard us not that God will do exactly what we asked. We make our requests then we trust that God hears us and is the perfect Father knowing what is best for us.

Remember Jesus in the garden, as he prayed to God he said, "If it is possible, let this cup pass from Me. Yet not as I will, but as You will." (Matthew 26:39b) That is trusting in the Father.

Think about how you pray and what your priorities are when you do. Do you truly trust God?? And by the way...I don't have a cold. I'm fine.