Taming God

It's been such a long time since I've written in my blog. Seminary has kept me quite busy. But, today, I have taken a day that I have needed for some time. I am having a day completely focused on God. I'm not taking any calls. I'm not answering any emails. I'm not doing any work. I'm not watching any TV or getting on facebook. I'm devoting my day to my relationship with God.

The first thing I did this morning as my coffee brewed was build a fire in the fireplace. Granted it's 61 degrees out, so I opened a window. But, I love the atmosphere a fire creates. It's calm, real, beautiful. As I sat with my cup of coffee and watched the beauty of the flames, listened to the crackling sound it makes and feeling the warmth, I began thinking about how amazing fire is. In a fireplace it is "tamed". We enjoy its beauty, its warmth and the calm it creates.

But when fire is unleashed in the wild, it can be profoundly desctructive. Its power is awesome and can destroy acres and acres of land, homes and even cities. Fire is a powerful force that though it is truly beautiful in its controled environment can be very dangerous when out of control.

Then I began thinking of one of my favorite animals, the bald eagle. I love the eagle I guess mainly because of a teaching I heard a few years back by Joyce Meyer concerning eagles and how they are often used in scripture as comparisons to us in our walk with God. They are beautiful, majestic birds. They spend hours every day preening (that's grooming for us humans) and caring for themselves. They only eat fresh meat. Plucked often from the waters and still fighting.

But, if an eagle is taken into captivity, it no longer cares about eating only fresh meat. Its preening is not as important...it doesn't care. I remember seeing a beautiful bald eagle at the zoo a couple summers ago. The cage it was in, while relatively big, was obviously restricted for such an awesome bird. It just sat on a branch of a small tree that was in the cage and stared. There was no spark in its eyes, it was kind of dumpy looking...it broke my heart. I didn't need to see an eagle that badly that it had to be caged like that. All its power, all its beauty lost in a cage.

Then I thought about God. How often we tame Him. Much like the fire in the fireplace, we are warmed by Him, we are in awe of His beauty and we like the atmosphere He creates. But, much like the eagle, that is not where God is meant to be. While the fire when unleashed is a powerful and often destructive force, God when "unleashed" in our lives is a powerful but productive force. We often put God in our own little box and make Him what we want Him to be but God is more than we can begin to imagine. He is not to be tamed. He is to be worshipped and magnified as the powerful, majestic God that He is. 

Let God unleash His power in your life...you will not be the same.

 

Perspective

Two weeks ago, I began my fourth semester at seminary. I am just two years away from my Masters of Divinity!!! ...but that's another story.

Also two weeks ago, I began working as an intern pastor at my church. My focus is in the area of pastoral care. The very first day I began working, a call had come in about a church member's father-in-law (I'll call him Ed) who had just been admitted in a local heart center in pretty rough shape. So, I went to the hospital as soon as I heard and met Ed and some of his family. This man loved Jesus and was very clear on that. I talked with Ed and his family while he ate his lunch and then before I left I offered to pray for them. They welcomed it and Ed held his hand out for me to take. I prayed with them and then said my good byes and headed for the door. Just before I left the room, Ed said, "God bless you". I talked with his daughter-in-law at church that Sunday. She thanked me for coming but had to admit that Ed didn't remember me being there. That's ok, because I will certainly remember him.

Thursday, I had a theology class. We were discussing a book that we are reading. We talked about how we interpret revelation, the tone the scriptures were written in and how that affects our interpretation, on and on. I'm not a big one for debates because they don't seem to get anyone anywhere. So, I sit in class and listen, occassionally share something but when it turns into debate, I step back. That same day, we had a guest speaker who talked about the Bible and how to interpret it and the things that affect our interpretation.

The day before this class, I had seen an urgent prayer request concerning Ed. He was entering into "end of life" care. My schedule would not allow me to just go up to the heart center, so I waited until Thursday after my classes. When I got there, I talked with our church member in the lobby. She told me the family had been there for two days just waiting. They were physically and emotionally spent. I went into the room to see Ed. No longer conscious I was still able to talk with his family and pray for all of them. I held Ed's hand and remembered our last visit. As I walked out to my car, tears in my eyes, I began to think about that theology class. I remembered the debates and the theories...then I thought of the man I had just left who was about to go to the true reality. Eternity in the kingdom of God. Suddenly, the theories and wisdom of this world seemed very trivial. I got to my car and looked up into the sky, the wind was blowing my hair and the sky was so blue. The beauty and reality of God was so strong.

Looks very similar to what I saw

This is why I am going to seminary. This is why I want to nestle into the arms of God. This is why I don't see death as such a bad thing. This is why I'm so in love with my God. He is so real, so true, and so awesome. Nothing on this earth can compare to Him. Everything on this earth we can experience with our senses is temporary, but He is forever.

Through The Eyes of My Father

Yesterday, I enjoyed a wonderful day with my daughter, Chelsi. We went to Brown County and did some shopping, walking, had a nice lunch and just enjoyed each other. As is common on such a venture, I took my camera and we got a couple pics. Here are two of them...

This is me outside a shop with a big stuffed dog (no, it's not real :))

This is Chelsi having lunch at a place called, "The Ordinary"

As most of us do, when I got home I looked at the pictures and began to pick myself apart. Noticing every flaw and staring at the pictures as I listed everything wrong with me in my head. From my weight to the signs that I'm getting older, I hacked myself apart. It left me with a feeling of shame and discouragement.

As I lay in bed last night thinking about this, I sensed God speaking to me and pointing out the things He looked at and what joy it brought Him...

• He saw a woman thoroughly enjoying a day with her daughter.
• He saw a mom who adores her child.
• He saw my childlike joy when I found a statue that made me smile and that it was 50% off.
• He saw His child laughing so hard her stomach hurt.
• He saw His bride who, though distracted with the things around her, was still so in love with Him it was constantly on her mind and in her heart.
• He saw His child beautifully and wonderfully made in His image.

Those are the eyes I want to see myself through. This world puts such an emphasis on the outside that, in all reality, is temporary. But God.... The next time you look at a picture of yourself and begin the demolition, remember this verse...

"...the Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."      I Samuel 16:7b

Will It Be Like This??

I know...two postings in one day!!

Today I saw the following video posted on a friend's facebook. I had to share it with you and I promise you, you will cry. So get the hankys...

After watching this beautiful clip, I couldn't help but think of Jesus. Will it be like this when He returns for us?? Will we be going about our day when all of the sudden out of the corner of our eye, we see a glimpse of Him, only to look up and realize that He is standing right in front of us?? Will we stop what we're doing and putting our hands over our mouths begin to weep?? Or will we drop everything and run to Him with our arms outstretched?? And will he snatch us up and hold us tightly in His arms as we lay our weary head on His strong shoulder?? Will He comfort us as only a loving Father can and tell us how much He loves us as He kisses away our tears??

Watch this clip again with some of these thoughts in mind and may you fall in love with Him like never before.

A Rad Step

Continuing with my story...when I last left off here, I was pretty discouraged. I didn't know what God had for me, I felt useless and frustrated.

I have had an ongoing problem with my neck, shoulders and back for years. Surgery to fuse C5 and C6 in my neck, sciatica, arthritis, muscle pain... You get the idea. In 2004ish, the low back pain I was experiencing caused me to seek help from my doc and ended up in having to have an MRI. When I went to the hospital to have the MRI, I was taken back to a room to change my clothes for the procedure. They gave me scrubs. Never had that happen before. As I finished changing into the scrubs, I looked in the mirror and it just seemed right. Me wearing scrubs seemed right.

As I lay in the tube with my ear plugs in, hearing the click-a-click, BRRRRRR, etc. of the MRI. I got thinking that I could do this. I wondered if God was telling me this was where He wanted me to go. I began praying asking Him because I was so confused as to what I was to do with my life that I didn't want to be off track. I told Him, "God, if this is you, please put the same idea into my husband's head. Let him confirm this."

I got done with the MRI and as my husband and I headed out to the car, he said, "How much do you suppose MRI techs make??" I thought this to be an odd question and yet, might it be the confirmation I was looking for?? I said, "I don't know. Why??"

"Well, I was just thinking while I was sitting in the waiting room, you could do that." he said.

CONFIRMATION!!!

We began discussing this quite seriously and I found my first step to this goal was to take the prerequisite courses for Radiology Techonoligist. Then take the courses to become a Radiology Tech, then pursue MRI. Easy!!

I took my pre-req courses at IVY Tech where I had a straight A average. I applied, interviewed and was accepted into the the Radiology Tech program in Fall of 2005. The course work was demanding but the clinical work was something else....

Over a period of 2 semesters, I served at a hospital in a nearby small town. I did chest films, arms, hands, feet, legs, kidneys, bladders, etc. I met some very sweet people.

Most notable were the elderly folks. They were often brought in for x-rays and tests that they really didn't want any part of. I recall one patient in particular who was an in-patient. I was called upon to go to her room with another rad tech and wheel her down for a CT scan. When I got up there, she had been given a "major cleansing", if you will, for an abdominal x-ray. The laxatives they had given her were still working and we had a mess. The nurses while helpful, were overcome with the giggles as they struggled with her and she began to cry. My heart went out to her. I wanted to comfort her and make her feel better but there was no room for me as the nurses did their job. Once they got her cleaned up, we wheeled her down to the CT scanner. As we waited with her for her turn on the machine, I stood next to her bed and looked at her with as much compassion and respect as I could. She was quiet...very quiet. I told her everything was going to be ok. After the CT was done, we took her back to her room. I made an extra effort to make sure she was comfortable and to serve her in such a way that she knew that I knew she was special and worthy of great respect.

There were so many patients I met including a man who had fallen from a ladder at a construction site and had broken several bones in his body. He was in so much pain but tried to be as pleasant and polite as possible. I wanted to hear his story. I wanted to know what was going on in his mind. I knew he was scared, angry and frustrated. I felt so bad for him.

Then there was a woman that was brought into the ER for chest pains. She was quite large, morbidly obese to the point that she was given a special bed to hold her. I followed my supervisor down to the ER to assist in a portable chest x-ray. The woman was so scared. As we finished up her films, she said, "Please pray for me." I wanted to drop everything and do it but my supervisor said, "Come on, Lauri" And then "We will." over her shoulder as she left the room. I wanted to run back. I wanted to sit with this woman so she wasn't alone. I was frustrated.

Into the second semester of Rad Tech, it became abundantly clear that my body was not able to keep up with the demands of this program. (The MRI I had done revealed a herniated disk at L4 and L5) I can't tell you how many times I nearly dropped an elderly person as they stood for an x-ray holding onto me and then dropping dead weight on me. My back would feel such strain when I helped transfer a patient from bed to gurney. My neck, my back...just couldn't handle it. I also had trouble with vertigo and after my supervisor saw me walk into enough walls, corners, doors, etc. she had to say something. She told me she knew I was in pain, she worried about me not only walking but driving home with my balance problem. I couldn't keep up with her as she walked quickly down the halls because of arthritis in my feet (yeah, I'm a mess). So, we decided this wasn't for me.

Because of the demand it was putting on me, I was actually relieved. But, once again more and more confused as to what God wanted from me...

A Time of Change

I realize it's been nearly a month since my last post about my journey into ministry. With this post I will continue...

I worked as a Christian Counselor in Fort Wayne for a year. For the first five months of that year, I worked as a claims processor at a medical insurance company. I was a single mom working full time as a processor, part time as a Christian counselor and I was beginning to feel the pressure. I wanted to go part time at my processing job. When I made the request, it turned out that the company found me in "conflict of interest" with my counseling. They told me I had to choose them or the counseling...that was a no-brainer!! I chose to do the thing I felt God calling me to. I could feel God rocking my boat. I was actually excited because I knew when God starts shaking things up, it's always a good thing. Not always easy but always good!!!

The last seven months of that year, I continued counseling but God had a major change in my future that I did not foresee...

One Wednesday evening in late February 2003, I got an email from classmates.com telling me that someone was looking for me. My first thought was that it might be my long-lost first love, Tony. He was the one guy I never got over from my high school days. Always a gentleman, very sentimental, and I knew I could trust him. Nah....couldn't be him. IT WAS!!! He had just gone through a divorce and got on classmates.com to see if he could find me among other folks. We began emailing almost constantly and finally, that Sunday, we finally saw each other for the first time. It was so good to see him. We talked and talked about where we've been the past 20+ years and what has happened in our lives. We talked about God and how He had been working in our lives. It was determined very quickly that we wanted to work at this relationship. Well...to make a very detailed and intense story short, Tony and I got married that June. I know it seems awfully quick, but you have to remember, we had known each other for several years. Yes, we both had made some changes, we both had baggage, and there were definitely adjustments that needed to be made. But, we are happy with our choice.  I have married a good man who loves God, loves me and has helped to make a wonderful life for the two of us.

I wrestled with whether marrying each other would be of God or sin. We had both been what you might call, victims of divorce. We didn't want the divorces, our former spouses left us and in my case, for someone else. I poured over scripture, prayed immensely, sought counsel and came to the conclusion that the circumstances surrounding our divorces were such that marrying each other would not be sinful. God truly made His presence known at our wedding ceremony and I knew that this union was blessed by Him.

After I married Tony, my daughter and I moved to Indy where Tony lived and owned a business. I struggled with the move and the grief involved. I missed my family, friends and life in Fort Wayne. I ended up seeing a Christian counselor to help me sort things out and found out that the degree I got and the Masters degree I was pursuing was not from an accredited college and would not allow me to earn the license I needed to counsel in the state of Indiana. I was very upset. After talking it over, Tony and I decided that it was not time or economically feasible to pursue it. My dream was over.

This began what I might call, desert time. A time when I felt as though God had me on hold. It was a very hard time emotionally for me and I really didn't see God using me in my future. But see, that's why God is God and I am not. He had plans...He knew exactly what He was doing and He was preparing and pruning me during this time. Nothing goes to waste with God and this time was no different.

My Heroes in the Faith

In this life, God brings many people into our path. Some of them are brothers and sisters in Christ and some are not. But the ones that are can have a profound effect on us sometimes. I have four people who come to mind that inspire me strongly in my walk with Jesus. They are people I look at and think, "When I grow up, I want to be just like them!!" They are my heroes in the faith. Two of them I know personally and the other two I only know through their ministries and work for God.

The first is a woman I have already blogged about...An Angel In Disguise. Marilyn is such an inspiration to me every time I see her. Though she continues her battle with cancer, her faith in and love for God is contagious!! She knows that the cancer is an enemy and she knows that her God is greater than that enemy. Whether she is delivered from  her battle through a supernatural healing or release from the body that has been inflitrated by it, she knows victory is hers!! I spend only a few minutes with her when I see her but I always come away with a desire to grab my Bible and know my Saviour more!!

Next is a woman I have met through seminary. She and I met last semester where we sat next to each other in a class where we were "kindred spirits"...so to speak. We share a lot of the same beliefs when it comes to Jesus, His sacrifice, His power, His word.... A couple of times I have met with her over coffee and was consumed by her fire for God. We talked intensely and endlessly about God. We talked about how God has worked in our lives and her story was amazing!! This is a woman who God miraculously and instantly delivered from a decades long drug addiction and 10 years of homelessness. As she told me her story, we both sat there, looking over steaming cups of coffee with tears streaming down our faces. Her faith is so contagious!! I left Starbucks that day saying, "My sister, my sister. Thank you God for my sister!!" She is my sister in Christ and I am so glad I know her!!

I have been recently reminded of another hero. Back in the '80s and 90s I often listened to a Christian artist named Jerry Williams who was lead singer for a group called Harvest. He wrote most all of the songs he sang and the lyrics expressed his faith in such a way that would make me want to fight the good fight or weep in the love that God has for me. I saw him in concert several times and every time his fire for God was all consuming and I wanted what he had. Not a wimp in any sense of the word, with a warrior mentality he was not afraid to stand up and declare his faith. He spoke of how he sought God with everything he had and how his heart was to fight for the lost. I recently discovered him on youtube and just watching him perform  I was reminded of that fire and how desperately I wanted it. Though Harvest is no longer around, I still listen to the CDs and am inspired by the Spirit behind his lyrics.

And finally, my newest discovery. Though she's been around for some time, I only just discovered her this past fall. Beth Moore. Her hunger for God's word makes me want to open my Bible and look for buried treasures...and believe me, there are plenty of them. When she shares how she sees God in her every day life through the big traumatic crises and the funny little quirky things that happen, I begin to realize all the ways God shows Himself in my own life. Her passion for the word of God and for Him is...once again...CONTAGIOUS!! She has taught me so much through her studies and has inspired me to really study for myself.

I guess we all have heroes in this life. These are a few of mine...though none are greater than the One who took His Godness, wrapped it in human flesh and walked this earth over 2000 years ago. The One who not only took on the pain and torture of a brutal death on a cross but my sins that caused His Father to look away from Him. The One who conquered sin and death FOREVER for me. No one will ever touch my life and stir my heart like He has...NO ONE.

The Journey Continues

It's been awhile since I've written or even visited blogland. But, I want to take the time today to continue the story of my journey into ministry. This is the second post. If you've not read the first post you can check it out at Let The Journey Begin.

In March of 2002, I got a flyer from the American Association of Christian Counselors about a seminar they were offering in California called, "Trauma and Loss". This was exactly the area I felt God pulling me to but a single mom, scraping up enough money to fly from Indiana to California...seriously!! But, God in his infinite wisdom and divine provision made it possible through a tax refund and the fact that my brother lived in Pasadena which was the area this seminar was taking place. He was thrilled with the idea that we would be coming out and opened his home to us. So, my daughter Chelsi and I boarded a plane to Los Angeles (my very first airplane trip and it was love at first take off). The seminar actually took place in Irvine California and my brother graciously drove me there and I stayed at a hotel for a couple days.

The seminar offered many different classes focusing on grief and trauma and its effects on people. But, one speaker in particular really grabbed my attention. His name was Ray Giunta. He was a crisis response chaplain who had just gotten back from 68 days at Ground Zero. He told story after story of encounters he had as he walked amidst the devestation that was left after the planes flew into the world trade center. People were reaching out to him not because he was such a nice guy (which he was) but because of who he represented...Jesus. He talked about how he had a pack he wore around his waste. He filled one side with candy bars and the other side with Bibles. When he walked out to some of the workers to talk with them, he opened his pack and said, "Hey, anybody want a candy bar." The response was, "We don't care about the candy bars but we'll take the Bibles."

After 9/11 people were crying out to God. They were seeking His face in this country like never before. The call to people serving in ministry was great and they needed to be there...I wanted to be there. When I listened to Chaplain Ray's stories, I wanted so much to be there with him. I wanted to hear the stories, I wanted to hug on them and offer a shoulder to cry on, I wanted to assure them that God loves them and that He was still on His throne. But, I thought this idea of being a chaplain was so far out of reach for me...so out of the question.

You see, I wasn't attending a church...don't get me wrong. I loved God with everything I was but I had an issue with churches...religion. (This is an issue I will talk about in a later post) So, to be a chaplain just wasn't gonna fly with me. Who was I to do such a thing and to do it would be embracing religion.

As I left that place, I knew that I knew that I knew that grief, trauma and loss were where I wanted to serve. I wanted to be with people who were going through a crisis. Death, trauma, divorce, whatever the crisis, I wanted to be the hands and feet of Jesus to them.

As I waited at the airport for my flight for home, I picked up a magazine that had articles about people who had survived 9/11 and how they were dealing with the grief. It was a fascinating article but what I didn't realize before I got on the plane was that the front cover of the magazine had a picture of a plane flying into one of the towers. Oops....not exactly something folks on a plane want to see. I was careful to cover it up.

This story is far from over....more later.

Life and Death

Sunday, April 19, 2009 I was driving to my Mom and Dad's on a rainy night. I had been calling throughout the day to find out how my mom was doing. "She had a good night." "She's in a lot of pain." "She's not responding any more." "Her feet are gray and her breathing is slowing." That was the call that told me it was time to go see her. I remember wondering how much longer she had. Would I make the two hour trip in time enough to see her before she died??

About an hour into my trip, I felt a strong urge to call and check on her one more time. I called my daughter's cell phone...no answer. This told me something was up. I called my folks house. My dad answered. "Where are you?" he asked.

"I'm about an hour out. Is she gone?" I asked.

"Just come home" he responded.

"Is she gone?" I demanded.

"Yes."

Sunday, June 6, 2010, I got up in the morning and headed to my laptop to see what was going on in Internet land. I found out my niece's water broke. She was at the hospital and her contractions were 5 minutes apart. My first great-niece!! As I headed to church, I called my sister to see how my niece was doing. She told me the pains were about 3 minutes apart. I told her I'd check back after church to see how it's going. I called and she was still in labor and the pains were still a couple minutes apart. My husband and I decided we were heading up north to be with the family.

We made the two hour trek and waited for several hours but couldn't wait any longer and had to head back home. She was getting close but it still could be hours and we needed to get home. As we drove back home, I felt a strong urge to call my sister and check in. "I'll have to call you back, she's pushing!!"

A few minutes later, I got the call I had been waiting for...SHE'S HERE!!

To see these two stories side-by-side I began to see the awesome hand of God in life and death and how they are so similar. These were both situations where there was a struggle...each for new life. New life in this world and a new life in the kingdom of God.

I once had a chaplain supervisor who called the process of dying, birthing pains. It's so true!!

What I also found interesting was the fact that our plans, our schedules, our agendas are really not a high priority for our God. He has His plans and they will prevail...THANK GOD!!

Our God is an awesome God and I so want to see so much more of His hand in my life.

God Have Your Way!!!!

Let The Journey Begin

It's been awhile since I've written a post on my blog. For awhile I was busy with school and the demands of the final couple of weeks of papers and exams. Seminary is over for the summer for me and I can honestly say, I just haven't felt inspired to write. But, today I feel God prompting me to share my journey of how I came to be a seminary student pursuing ordination. It's a bit of a lengthy story and I don't want to leave anything out that God would want me to share, so I'll give it in increments as God leads.

I was born in....nope too far back. :)

In December of 2001, I received my bachelor's degree in Christian Counseling. My goal was to work for myself in a private practice type setting. I had dreams of one day having a place that would be like a coffee shop...big cushy couches and chairs, tall tables and chairs and of course a coffee bar that would offer any type of coffee or soft drink you'd want. There would be that coffee shop type of music piped in and I was going to call it Eaglesong Christian Counseling. I would be able to counsel people in a comfortable and non-threatening environment. I sat for hours designing my logo. Dreamed and prayed about the day when all of this would come to pass.

As I did that dreaming, I was counseling folks in a small office in Fort Wayne, IN and at a church in Portland, IN. I was being overseen by a pastor and was building up a pretty good clientelle for my first year of ministry.

During that time, I had been seeing an orthopedic surgeon for my neck. He had performed surgery on it, fusing C5&6 and was monitoring me on my follow up appointments. One day, while reading the paper, I read a story of a 4 year old boy who had fallen from a 4th story balcony at a hotel he had been staying at with his grandparents. He was a climber and they didn't see him in time. He fell to his death. That little boy was my orthopedic surgeon's son. About a month later, I had an appointment with him. He was changed. He was trying very hard to be his old self but the grief....the trauma wouldn't let him. I had prayed before I met with him that God would give me words when I needed them, and silence when I didn't. I asked doc how he was doing. Christmas had just passed and he began pouring out the pain his family was suffering during this holiday season. I just sat and listened. He wanted to be heard...nothing more. He was weary and broken. He thanked me for letting him talk, then left the room. My heart was so heavy for him and his family.

As I walked to my car after that appointment, God made it very clear to me that my focus...my call was to minister to the grieving. I wondered how God could possibly use me in such a situation. Grief?? What did I know about grief?? Then, I guess you could say a holy, 'DUH!" hit me. I had lost my husband through divorce. I knew exactly what grief was.

A few months later, The American Association of Christian Counselors offered a seminar that would truly change my life.

Next time...

Sharing a Final Memory

One year ago tonight, I sat with my mom on what ended up being one of her final days, and talked with her about life, death, God, eternity and sin...

I had come to her and Dad's house to stay for a few days. She had just gone into Hospice care and I wanted every moment I could have with her. At that time, I was finishing up a semester at seminary, much like I am now, and I had about 5 papers I needed to finish in a matter of just a couple weeks. Mom was in her room laying down and I sat in the livingroom, pulled out my laptop and books and began working on one of my papers. The only sound in the house was the sound of her oxygen machine humming. My brother came into the livingroom, plopped himself down on the couch and wanted to chew the fat. I said, "Go away" (probably could have found a nice way to say it but I had to be strong and not give into the temptation to stop studying) He understood and went into another room and I continued studying.

Then I heard my mom get up. She was puttering through the house, closing window blinds for the night, checking the locks on the doors then working her way out to her chair in the livingroom. As she began to sit down, she looked at me, saw the laptop and books in my lap and said, "Oh, I'll go in the other room, I don't want to bother you."

"Nope." I closed my books and put down my laptop. "It's completely interruptable." There was no way I was going to miss a time to sit with my mom and talk with her. I didn't know how many more times I would have.

Mom began talking about the fears she had about dying. She told me that she had read in scripture where death is the enemy. That would be from I Corinthians 15:26 that says, "The last enemy to be destroyed is death." She believed that if she died, that meant she was doing something wrong.

As I watched the tears stream down her face I wanted to get through to her that the death referred to in that scripture was not physical death, but spiritual death. I told her that if what she believed was true, Paul would still be alive and he would be over 1,000 years old. "I'm sorry Mom," I said, "But, I don't want to live to be 150 years old."

"What do you believe then?" she asked, through her tears.

"I don't believe physical death is such a bad thing. Think of where we go, when we are in Christ, after we die. We go to be with the One we have loved to the best of our abilities here on this earth. We go to a place where we know only joy, only peace and only love. We are released from the bodies that have wracked us with pain. We are taken out of this world that has put demands on us that are not of God in any way, shape or form. We are truly free!! How can that be a bad thing? How can that be a punishment or a result of us doing something wrong? We don't die and go to be with the Lord because of what we've done wrong; we die and go to be with the Lord inspite of what we've done wrong."

We talked that night for a couple hours at least. I got no work done on my papers and I didn't care one bit. The day after that conversation, my mom thanked me for that talk. She said she felt so much better about things. It turned out, that was the last big conversation I had with my mom. She died just 3 days later.

Had I not put my books down. Had I sent her out of that room because I was studying. I would have missed it. I thank God for ministering to both of us that night.

Recovery

As I look back at last year at this time to now, I'm reminded of the events that happened that have left me feeling beaten up. A year ago this month, my mom died. In September I broke my knee. October I had to have surgery on my knee. In January, I had to have my frozen knee bent under anesthetic. This spring, I have been battling asthma like I haven't battled it in a long time. I'm tired. I'm weary. I'm wiser. I'm closer to God. I'm determined.

Today I went to the Y. I rode the bike for 20 minutes, 6.3 miles and then I worked the weight machines. I looked down at the scarred knee, that has been through so much, lifting weights. The muscles flexing, the knee bending, and it looked beautiful. I remembered the cast I wore. I remembered the brace I wore. I remembered crying as I tried desparately to bend a frozen knee. I remembered the excrutiating pain after my surgery. I remembered feeling weak and helpless. I remembered the frustration. I thought of how I have struggled with neck and shoulder pain for years. It was confirmed as I strained lifting 10 lbs. with rows and overhead presses.

I'm tired of being weak. I'm tired of pain. I'm tired of being fragile. I hate that I've gained weight as a result of being laid up. I haven't liked having to use the handicap parking. I want to be able to go up the stairs without whincing in pain.

On May 11, I am going to have another surgery on my knee to remove the pins and wire that are currently in my knee. I will have two weeks to recover from that, then the stitches come out and the nightmare...for all intents and purposes...is over. I am taking the summer off school and am focusing on healing...inside and out. I hope to start the fall semester healthier, happier and more in control.

To God Be The Glory!!!

As Promised...

Today was the day for me to preach at my church. All week long, up to last night, I have been coughing, wheezing and last night the wheeze went into a whistle. But, this morning, I woke up feeling so much better.

It was early, 6:40 when my dog Gracie woke me up to be fed. I was wide awake and really had no desire to sleep. (Act of God right there) So, I got up and decided to spend time watching day break and drinking a cup of coffee with my God. I prayed, read His word and read some of a book I'm reading right now by Beth Moore. (So Long Insecurity) It was a good time with God and I was ready to share the message He had given me for this morning.

My daughter, Chelsi and I went to church together...because my hubby plays in the band, he has to be there earlier...and I was feeling really pretty good. No cough to speak of. I was given my cordless microphone to clip on my clothes, people were asking me if I was nervous (which I was but not real bad), I got all my stuff up at the pulpit (notes, water, Bible) I was ready to go.

When it came time to share the message, I felt a feeling I had felt the first time I ever preached; a feeling like God was pulling me aside and telling me, "Ok. Now separate yourself from your family and friends, go up there and share it like I taught you."

I can't begin to describe what it is like to be able to stand before a congregation full of people and share something that you have felt God calling you to say. To see the expressions on their faces when you tell them God loves them; to hear "amen" when you speak boldly of your faith; and to look into the smiling faces of family and friends as they encourage you. I shared the story of Jesus' final week and hours. How he loves us and longs for us to be with him throughout eternity. We laughed, cried and united during this sermon. It was great!!

The sermon wasn't as long as I think it should have been. Some may have been happy about that, others maybe not. It's tough going from preparing a 9 minute sermon for an Intro to Preaching class to a 20-30 minute sermon for a Sunday service. None the less, the message was strong and truly inspired by God.

I was honored to pray with people who came up front during the altar call. One gentleman was a Christian but just hasn't been walking the walk...so to speak. He needed forgiveness and a boost. Another was a friend of mine who was sharing some of the struggles I presented and prayed with me squeezing my hands tight. It was an awesome time!!

After the service was over, I went to talk with my daughter and gather things up and BAM!! that awful cough came back. By the time I got to the car, I needed my inhaler. Go figure. While it's not as bad as it was, it certainly was put on hold for what God called me to do.

Happy Palm Sunday everyone!! HOSANNA IN THE HIGHEST!!!

God's Rockin' the Boat!!

Today I am recovering from another bout of asthmatic bronchitis...second time this year...this month. I have a cough that sounds like a combination of a goose honk and a car that just won't start. I sound like I've been smoking my entire 45 years of life...though I don't nor have I ever smoked. I sound like that Hanna Barbera cat that laughs with a wheeze. I sound like...well. you get the idea. I have been taking prescription cough meds, prednisone, albuterol inhaler, lots of liquids...even Asian Plum white tea...and I now have my hubby heading to the store to get me some cough drops. If I talk or get active at all, the cough is stirred.

This is significant at this point in time because I have been called upon to preach the Palm Sunday sermon at my church. As the day approaches, the cough doesn't seem to want to quiet down...this actually excites me!!

I've seen God work in situations like this and  I believe this one will be no exception. I've seen God rock the boat and allow things to happen that would normally cause me to worry but then use them in such a way that I am in total awe and in no doubt that God is God and I am not.

I recall the time several years ago when I was a single mom and was working at Aetna insurance as a claims processor. I had just earned my Bachelor's degree in Christian Counseling and was working my "practice" on the side. I had a pastor overseeing me who gave me opportunities to minister in my city of Fort Wayne and in Portland, IN. My clientelle was building but not to a point where I could support myself and my daughter on the one job. I requested to go part-time at Aetna so I could do both when they decided that because I was counseling, I was in conflict of interest with my job and had to choose between the two. For me, it was a no brainer...God had called me to do what I was doing. I had just earned this degree and I was not going to throw it away for a job I wasn't that crazy about. Sounds irresponsible maybe, but I prayerfully came to this conclusion. It was scary, but then I got this surge of excitement. "Oh boy!! God's rocking the boat!!" I did end up leaving Aetna shortly after and up to the time I got married and moved to Indy, God provided for us in ways that when I look back still astound me!! I remember a year or so after I moved down here, I was looking at some of my old financial stuff from that time saying, "No way!!" God is amazing!!

So, I believe this is no different. I know God has called me to this sermon, I believe in my heart the message He wants to convey, I know I will be well able...stay tuned. I'll let you know how it goes.

The Mysteries of God

When I last wrote, I talked about how I had two upcoming sermons that were gnawing at me. One of those sermons took place last night in my Intro to Preaching class. It was an interesting process from sitting down to write it to actually presenting the message...

The passage of scripture I had to write about was Proverbs 8. It was about Wisdom and how she cries out to us and how she was birthed or created before all creation and that she was a skilled craftsman alongside God. As I read the passage, I was certain without question that Wisdom was Jesus. I referred to John 1:1-3, "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made." Clear as a bell; simple as that; wisdom is Jesus. I put my sermon together, rehearsed it a few times and that night I tossed and turned. Something just didn't feel right. I began praying about it, asking what I was supposed to present. Wondering who was wisdom? Was it possible it was something other than Jesus?

I drove to class on Monday morning as I listened to "The Shack" on CD. A very good book that really makes you think and want more of God. In this book, God is personified as an African American woman, Jesus is a Jewish man, and the Holy Spirit is a woman. But, that morning as I listened, still thinking about my sermon and Proverbs 8, a new character was introduced, Sophia. She was the personification of...you guessed it...God's wisdom. A whole separate entity from Jesus. AAARRGGGHHHH!!! Yes, I literally yelled that as I drove down I-65.

I came home that day and poured over commentaries, read Proverbs 8 and all its referred scriptures over and over. I prayed for insight and wisdom. The next day as I was cleaning my house, I was watching a teaching series by Kathy Troccoli called, "Hope for a Woman's Heart". As I watched her, something came to me that literally warmed me inside and made me want to fall on my knees before God. (I can't do that now because of the hardware and pain in my knee but you know what I mean) I began to realize the mysteries of God. Those mysteries that are just out of my reach but securely in His hands.

I sat down and rewrote my sermon and decided to take my "congregation" on the journey I had just taken. I presented the sermon last night to my class and it was well recieved. One gentleman said he sensed that the mysteries of God were out of reach and yet they enveloped him. I love that!! That's what I felt too.

There are things about God that we will never fully understand with our limited human minds. Unless God reveals it to us, we probably don't need to know. I don't know if wisdom was Jesus. It seems like it could be and yet, it seems like it might be a whole other part of God. None-the-less, wisdom cries out to us and delights in us.

BLESSED IS THE MAN (OR WOMAN) WHO LISTENS TO WISDOM!!  Proverbs 8:34

An Awesome Thing

It's been awhile since I've sat down to write a post for my blog. I just haven't felt an inspiration to write. Since I've gone back to seminary for this spring semester, I've been a bit overwhelmed with studying and reading, reading, reading... But, at the moment, I have something on my mind that I need to share.

I have preached 3 times in my life. The first time was at my mom's funeral, the second was last summer when I filled in for my pastor and the third time was just recently in my Intro to Preaching class. I prayerfully and carefully prepared each sermon and they went well but now I have two upcoming sermons that have me humbly begging God for help.

While I was laid up with my broken knee last fall, I began a personal study on the Bible and what it says it is. I was reminded of things I already knew and grasped things I hadn't heard before. I realized, to my core, that "ALL SCRIPTURE IS GOD BREATHED." (II Timothy 3:16) I realized the importance of the Holy Spirit in determining what a passage of scripture really means. I understand that to try and interpret it with our own limited minds, is to get something that is not God. I realize more than ever the awesome treasure that is God's word.

The upcoming sermon's facing me include a sermon I have to write based on Proverbs 8 and a sermon for the beginning of the Holiest week in our faith. I feel so inept in so many ways. I've never been a "churchy" person. My relationship with God was always a personal thing until just the past couple of years but now I am presenting a very important sermon at a very important time of year and I don't want to drop the ball. Since I have realized the awesomeness of God's word, I don't want to misrepresent, misinform or mistake my agenda for His. Don't get me wrong, I want to do this but I am feeling a bit sheepish.

When I got up this morning, the work I had done on my Proverbs 8 sermon was still ringing in my head and I began to pick it apart. It's not gonna be good enough. Who am I to do this?? I'm so inadequate. I, of course, prayed to God laying my fears and insecurities out before Him only to be inspired to write this blog post and then to read the following..."The Lord said to him, 'Who made the human mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, seeing or blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go! I will help you speak and I will teach you what to say.'" (Exodus 4:11-12)

It is an awesome thing to be given the responsibilities to teach and preach from the Word of God and I will trust that God will give me the words when I need them and make me well able to handle the task at hand.

TO GOD BE THE GLORY!!

Focus of a Champion

This past Tuesday, I was watching The Biggest Loser. The contestants were taken to the Olympic Training Center in Colorado to train and eat and live with the Olympic athletes. They were taken to the dining area where very specific meals were prepared for each athlete based on the event they were training in. Some needed high calories, some needed low calories. Some needed more carbs than protein; some more protein than carbs. The training center is where the athletes spent most of their time (Duh!!). Their focus and determination without distraction was inspiring.

On a seemingly different story (they'll work together. Just stay with me) this past Wednesday I had a paper due in my Christologies of the New Testament class. I had to be at school by 2:15 and I was still writing it at 12:45 because I had wasted a lot of time over the weekend and early part of the week watching TV, sleeping, trying to read the assignment I was writing about while watching TV...you get the idea. This was not the first paper I left til the very last minute this semester. Thankfully I got an A on the first one but this one Wednesday....not so sure. I'll find out next week.

The point I'm getting at is this...I believe I've been called to be in seminary at this time in my life to train for the call God has put on my heart. Why do I take it so lightly?? This call is eternally important. To treat it with such laxidazy and disrespect is shameful. Ok...I know I'm human but so are the Olympic athletes.

II Timothy 1:7 says, "For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of self-control." Some translations say self-discipline. I pray that God will help me to draw on that Spirit of self-discipline to get my focus where it needs to be.

God has entrusted all of us with our various gifts and abilities and we need to take it seriously. If we get lazy and distracted, I'm sure He can find what He needs somewhere else. We won't make the Olympics, we'll just sit at home and watch them on TV wondering what might have been.

Freedom

It's been a little over a week since I wrote about the issue of my weight. I am very grateful to all of you who commented and shared your stories and encouragement. I was amazed at how many of us have been "cell mates" in this prison of perfection.

Since I last wrote a lot has happened...First, I have opted to stay off the scale. I can honestly tell you, I have no idea how much I weigh and I don't want to know. I am very tired of bowing down to a number. No more.

Second, I went out and purchased clothes that I really like and bought them in my size. It was quite an adventure. I really thoroughly enjoyed myself. I tried on the clothes in the dressing room and even though they were a size bigger the walls didn't come crashing down, life didn't stop, and, I have to say, I looked good in them. I don't know if there was a two way mirror or any form of security watching me but if there was, they saw me lift my hands and praise and thank God. When I took my treasures to check out, the cashier was a very friendly older lady. I told her, "You have no idea what a major thing this is." I began to share with her my story of gaining weight while laid up and buying a bigger size and how all is still well with the world. She completely understood...as did the woman behind me. Before I knew it, we were all talking and laughing. God provided angels.

Finally, I still am going to physical therapy for my knee. Part of the workout is riding a bike for 8 minutes. On the little screen that keeps the time is also a number that you can set to show RPMs or calories burned....it's always on Calories burned when I get on it so I immediately turn it to RPMs. I don't want to feed the beast.

I feel like God has opened the door of the prison and every one of these steps I've taken are steps out the door. God doesn't want us bowing to the demands of this world. He wants us bowing only to Him and focusing on the things of Him and His Kingdom.

No one serving as a soldier gets involved in civilian affairs--he wants to please his commanding officer.

II Timothy 2:4    

I'm So Torn

I am an avid football fan. I love the Denver Broncos (as you may know, their season is over) and I enjoy watching Notre Dame games. I'm very much looking forward to the Super Bowl this Sunday, especially since my fair city of Indianapolis is being represented. Back in the day, I used to like watching Golf when Tiger Woods was playing. His focus, discipline and skill were intriguing to me. (Can't tell you how disappointed I am in the latest developments in his life)

With all this said, I have to get something off my chest. Last night, I was watching the news and a sports story came on concerning Payton Mannings (quarterback for the Indianapolis Colts) upcoming contract negotiations. The Colts want him to stay in Indy real bad, so the talk at this point is that he will be offered a $20 million/year contract PLUS a $50 million sign on bonus. This will make him the highest played player in the NFL....EVER!! People!! The man plays a game!!! He strategically throws passes, or hands off a ball to someone to get it through men who are trying to stop him past a line at the end of a field. IT'S A GAME!!!

Tiger Woods is the only billion dollar athlete and he hits a ball with a stick into a hole better than anyone else. He was lifted up as a hero...dare I say, a god...but the hero fell. Why?? Because he is a human being with imperfections, flaws and weaknesses. He is not without fault, he is not supernatural. He is a man.

I can't help but think of my friend in Fort Wayne who is a police officer. I remember her telling me of an incident on the job that could have so easily taken her life. And yet, she continued to put on that uniform and get in her squad car to protect the citizens of Fort Wayne. "No one has greater love than this, that someone would lay down his life for his friends." (John 15:13) It kills me that this woman who risks her life every day she works and even on days when she's off duty has to work part time jobs to make ends meet.

I also think about my step-daughter who is a teacher in public schools. She chose one of the tougher school systems in our area because she wanted to touch the lives of kids who may not have as good a chance as those in other schools. She works long hours, then she comes home and has to work grading papers, preparing lesson plans. She just recently earned her masters degree. She is teaching young minds and preparing them for their future. Yet she and her husband often struggle financially. The public schools were making cuts when the Colts were getting a new stadium and we in Indy were given a tax increase to support it.

The priorities in this country are majorly screwed up!! The highest paid people are not the firefighters, teachers, police officers, even the president. Our military families are often on food stamps and welfare and they are defending our country!! The highest paid people entertain us!! Granted there are the corporate folks who are making good money as well but I'm talking about the people who entertain us and how they not only live like kings but are exalted as gods and godesses. There is only one God. "You shall have no other gods before me." (Exodus 20:3) Think about it.

As you can probably tell, this one bothers me a bit. What do you all think??

My prison

This is a tough posting for me but one I feel God is encouraging me to write. I'm hoping that by posting this, maybe God will speak to someone who's dealing with the same thing and this thing that has gripped me for years will be out on the carpet, exposed to the light and seen for what it is...

This all began back in my senior year of high school. I was dating a good looking college guy I had met at a Full Gospel Business Men's Dinner I was attending with my Dad. I was feeling so good that this good looking "older" guy was interested in me. After we had been dating about a month or so, I had asked him to my prom which was about a month or so away. That's when it happened. He bet me that I couldn't lose 10 pounds by the prom. Where did that come from??? My weight was something I never even thought about. I was 5'10" and if I was overweight at all, it was only a little.

That one comment began me on a journey of worrying about my weight my entire adult life. In my late 20's, this prison went from minimum to maximum security when my former husband gave my weight as one of the reasons he no longer wanted to be married and went off with someone else. That has caused me to link love with conditional upon looks and weight (something my current husband has had to fight). I have not been able to truly enjoy food because I'm either counting my calories to the exact number or I eat something I really enjoy then feel very guilty about it later. I watch other people sit down to a meal and just enjoy it, or make a dinner at home with side dishes or bread and think, "Boy, I'd like to have the freedom to do that." The thing about all of this...I've never been overweight. I have always been within my weight limits, never had a doctor tell me I needed to lose weight and have had people describe me as tall and skinny. Until now...

Since I broke my knee cap my activity level has dropped (though it's picking up now), I have also entered perimenopause and losing weight has not been easy. I guess you could say, "The thing I feared the most has come upon me."  I'm about 15-20 lbs over what I should be. I have found that my clothes are getting too snug but instead of going out and getting a size bigger, I just continuously wear the ones I can still wear. I fear that getting a size bigger is accepting my current state and what will everyone think? Funny thing though...no one has ever said anything about my weight gain. My knee doc told me I needed to keep my weight down but nothing more. My physical therapist couldn't believe he said it....and yet, I'm so ashamed.

I know I'm not alone in this. Though the details of the stories may be different, the core of the story is very much the same as some of you. This issue is so common with women and I've come to a point in my life where I'm tired of it. I'm tired of worrying about this. I'm tired of thinking about my next meal and what I'm going to eat all the time. I'm tired of dreading going to my closet and getting dressed. I'm tired of bowing to that scale. I'm tired of comparing myself to other women and knowing I am so inferior because I'm so much bigger. I'm tired of dieting.

Now I do have things in my life like high cholestrol and muscle and joint problems that require me to watch what I eat and exercise but I want to do that for the right reasons, not so I can be skinnier. I don't even want to think about that. I want that to be an after thought, not the reason.

Yesterday, during my God time, I got before God and cried my heart out to Him about this prison I'm in. I asked Him to help me. Of course my initial idea of help was, just get the weight off and I'll be happy. But, we both know that's not the answer. He brought me to the following verse:

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Your works are wonderful, I know that full well

Psalm 139:14

Today, the verses continued to ring out to me when I found this through a Beth Moore teaching:

Get rid of the old yeast that you may be a new batch without yeast--as you really are.

I Corinthians 5:7a

He is guiding me to stay off the scale, to go out and buy some clothes I like even in a bigger size and He encouraged me to write this blog. I don't mind telling you, this was not easy. I've really opened a painful and vulnerable area of my heart to you. Why would I do that?? God told me too. His ways are not my ways. I don't know His plans for this blog but I know it's important to Him, to me and maybe even to you.

Heartcry for Haiti

Just like the rest of you, I have been seeing reports on the horrific earthquake that hit the country of Haiti last week. Images of a child in the arms of a rescue worker, covered with dust; rescue workers sitting on top of the debris with their head in their hands; people lying on the ground in make-shift hospitals; and communities that are now nothing more than piles of rubble. These kinds of images are so far beyond our comfort zone; so far beyond anything we've ever experienced; so far beyond anything we could ever imagine that we really don't grasp what's happening. We can turn our TVs off, close our newspapers or switch to something else on the internet. We can turn it off. It's unpleasant, we can't relate...we don't want to.

 My pastor and his wife have become pretty good friends to my husband and I. They have been very supportive of my pursuit of ministry and were right there when I broke my knee cap. My pastor's wife and I have become quite the email buddies and have been encouraging one another through some medical stuff we've each had to go through. These sweet people have eight kids, two of which were adopted from Haiti. Yesterday, the pain of the events of the past week became real for me...

During our Sunday morning service, Pastor John shared his concerns about the Haitian tragedy and how we could help with donations and prayer. In the midst of sharing, he asked three members of our congregation to stand. These three children were all adopted from Haiti, two of which were his own. As he looked at these sweet faces looking up at him, he began to share how his one daughter was from Port-au-Prince...then the grief gripped him so tightly he couldn't speak. The pain in his eyes, the sorrow in his heart was so apparent there was no denying the horror of this tragedy. He wept and fought hard to speak the words, "Had we not adopted her and brought her here, she would be there."

As I listened to him speak, I heard the unspoken words, "PLEASE HELP THEM!!" I heard the desparation. I heard the deep, deep sorrow. I heard, "We've got to do something!!" I heard a father heartbroken for what could have been and what was. I heard a father...I heard two fathers. I heard the father of 2 sweet Haitian girls and I heard our Heavenly Father. Both were heartbroken; both were merciful; both were filled with compassion.

PLEASE HELP THEM!!

Another lesson in trust...

Tuesday morning, I had the manipulation under anesthesia done on my knee as scheduled. It went very well and my knee is bending so much better now. None the less, there is still a lot of work to do; it is not easy and is quite painful. Part of the process is physical therapy. I have had to meet with my physical therapist every day since I had the manipulation done. It is in this work that I have experienced a lesson in trust...

As part of the therapy, my physical therapist has me lay on my back on the therapy table. She stands next to the table on the side of the bad leg. With my good knee bent, foot flat on the table, she places her hand on my good knee which produces her arm as an extended support. She drapes my bad knee over her arm and applies pressure at the front of my ankle to produce more flexion. Whimpering from me often happens when she does this but as I've learned to relax and trust her, I've found that it doesn't hurt near as bad and in fact the stretch actually feels good. The problem comes when I fight her. When I feel that bit of pain and start tensing my muscles trying to protect myself from the pain, I don't get as much stretch and the pain is excruciating. Even though my instincts are saying that I am protecting myself, keeping myself from being hurt; I am actually hindering the healing, slowing the process and making it much worse for me.

Then I realize how I do that with God. Watching the DVD study, "Living Beyond Yourself" by Beth Moore this morning, she talked about faith. She talked about how faith is often built during the through times. The times when we actually have to go through the tough times, the trials, the pain is when faith is really built. She called it "through faith". We make it hard on ourselves when we resist God because it hurts, it's hard or we're afraid. I know laying on that table, some of my fight comes from merely the fear of it hurting.

How often do we slow the healing process, delay the growth or simply get stuck because what God is taking us through hurts or we're simply afraid it's going to hurt?? We begin to resist, fight it and make it much harder than it has to be. When we can learn to relax and trust God, we can experience true healing and grow in faith...through faith.

We Either Trust Him Or We Don't

Tomorrow, I am going to have a "Manipulation Under Anesthetic" (MUA) done to my knee. It's like this, my knee has been immobile for months due to the fractured knee cap and as a result, it won't bend beyond 62 degrees. So, doc is going to anesthetise me and BEND IT. I'll be hooked up to a pain pump and have pain meds for a few days following. Probably a real good idea.

Knowing this procedure has been on the calendar since before Christmas, I have been asking God to please protect me from any colds, flus, or viruses going around since they won't put you under anesthetic if you're sick. My husband has been battling a cold since before Christmas that we thought was gone but now seems to have gone into his ears and a dear friend who visits me every week at least once developed asthmatic bronchitis (something I have a weakness for) a couple weeks ago. Yet with all these germs and bugs around me, I have walked through the water and fire untouched. Thank God.

Last night, I woke up with a coughing fit. I sometimes do that when I wake and I feel like something has gone down the wrong pipe and I'm choking. This usually happens when I'm battling the asthmatic bronchitis so to have this happen when I'm healthy is unusual. As I worked to pull myself together, coughing, tears streaming down my face, I couldn't help but notice that one side of my nose was all stuffed up. Panic kicked in.

"Please God!! Please God!! Don't let me get sick!! Please, don't let me get sick!!" I began thinking about how if I was sick, the surgeon would have to postpone my procedure. This in turn would take me into the next semester of seminary which begins next week and how would I possibly be able to have this done then. Then what if I would have to take another leave of absence from seminary, I would lose my scholarship. Then if I lose my scholarship, how could I afford to keep going... You get the idea.

Just then, I remembered a teaching by Beth Moore where she talked about trusting God. She described how we will be in a situation where we need something from God....like this situation I just described. We will tell Him how to fix it, do it, or provide it and then seal it with "...in Jesus' name". Then if God does not fix it, do it or provide it the way we wanted it, then we are down for the count. That, my friends, is not trust. We have to realize that God knows what He's doing and His ways are not our ways. His priorities are not our priorities. He has an eternal view whereas we have a worldly view. Everything we see here with our human eyes is temporary. Even our own bodies are temporary. He has a focus on our forever and what we go through here on this earth is preparing us for His eternal life.

When I got a grasp on this as I lay in bed, sipping on my water, I experienced such a sense of peace. I knew that God knows what's best for me. I want my eyes to be set on His kingdom and His ways and not the ways of this world.

Philipians 4:6-7 says, "Don't worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses every thought, will guard your heart and your minds in Christ Jesus." Notice it says requests not demands. It also says that God's peace will guard us not that God will do exactly what we asked. We make our requests then we trust that God hears us and is the perfect Father knowing what is best for us.

Remember Jesus in the garden, as he prayed to God he said, "If it is possible, let this cup pass from Me. Yet not as I will, but as You will." (Matthew 26:39b) That is trusting in the Father.

Think about how you pray and what your priorities are when you do. Do you truly trust God?? And by the way...I don't have a cold. I'm fine.

Life In Christ

This morning, I was reading Beth Moore's "John/90 Days With the Beloved Disciple". As I read, the following sentence jumped off the page and stirred my Spirit: "Is there anything you've given up for dead in your life, assuming it was beyond Christ's power to reverse or transform?" I stopped and stared into the lights of our Christmas tree as I pondered this question. I began to realize the power of Jesus and how nothing is dead with him. He is life. I could sense the light of His life welling up inside of me and pouring from my chest. Life!! There is true life, eternal life in Christ!!

I began thinking about the examples of this in my life and I was reminded of a journey I took a few years back. Having a love for the medical field, I had become a student in the Radiology Technologist (Rad Tech) program at IVY Tech. I had hands on opportunities with patients as I learned to X-Ray chests, arms, legs, etc. While I was fairly good at the technical part of the job I found myself drawn to the patients themselves. I wanted to hear their stories. I wanted to comfort them. I wanted to pray with them. One patient in particular was a woman who had been brought into the ER with chest pains. She was super obese and needed a special bed to hold her. She was so frightened. As I assisted my supervisor with a portable chest X-Ray on her, I was captured by the fear in her eyes. As we began to leave the room, she begged us to pray for her. I wanted to drop everything, run to her bedside, hold her hands and pray. I wanted to sit with her. But, my supervisor said over her shoulder, "We will." and told me to come with her. I wasn't allowed to pray with her. I wanted to be there for these patients if only to quietly pray for them and befriend them on part of their medical journey. Unfortunately, a bad back, arthritic feet and problems with balance stopped me cold. I couldn't continue with my education. I was done. I saw this as the end of my working life. I considered myself retired and that I would stay at home and putter.

This caused me great restlessness. I was dying but I knew there was life in me somewhere. Then (the following is a very condensed version of what happened but to lay it all out would take way too long)a member of the church we had been attending but had left, passed away. We went to his funeral; there we were reunited with members of that church and decided to return; that very Sunday, I signed up to train for Stephen Ministry (it was the last day and I had wanted to for some time); there I met a lady who was a hospital chaplain; we got to be friends; I learned through her about Clinical Pastoral Education where you serve for 4 months as an intern chaplain at a hospital; I did it; I loved it; I found my call!!!!! I am now in seminary and pursuing Masters of Divinity for ordination to serve as a chaplain. God brought life into what I thought was dead. Greater life than before!!!!

Amy Grant has a song that is one that if I could have written a song to God this would be it. "Lover of My Soul" is a song that opens my heart and soul as I listen to and sing the words in prayer to God. One line from this song that came to me this morning was,

"When I see the winter turning into spring,
Oh it speaks to this heart of mine,
more than anything.
Underneath the blanket of snow
cold and white.
Somethin' is stirrin' in the still of the night."

Don't miss the life that Christ brings to you every day. It's real. It's eternal. There is no death in Him.