My prison

This is a tough posting for me but one I feel God is encouraging me to write. I'm hoping that by posting this, maybe God will speak to someone who's dealing with the same thing and this thing that has gripped me for years will be out on the carpet, exposed to the light and seen for what it is...

This all began back in my senior year of high school. I was dating a good looking college guy I had met at a Full Gospel Business Men's Dinner I was attending with my Dad. I was feeling so good that this good looking "older" guy was interested in me. After we had been dating about a month or so, I had asked him to my prom which was about a month or so away. That's when it happened. He bet me that I couldn't lose 10 pounds by the prom. Where did that come from??? My weight was something I never even thought about. I was 5'10" and if I was overweight at all, it was only a little.

That one comment began me on a journey of worrying about my weight my entire adult life. In my late 20's, this prison went from minimum to maximum security when my former husband gave my weight as one of the reasons he no longer wanted to be married and went off with someone else. That has caused me to link love with conditional upon looks and weight (something my current husband has had to fight). I have not been able to truly enjoy food because I'm either counting my calories to the exact number or I eat something I really enjoy then feel very guilty about it later. I watch other people sit down to a meal and just enjoy it, or make a dinner at home with side dishes or bread and think, "Boy, I'd like to have the freedom to do that." The thing about all of this...I've never been overweight. I have always been within my weight limits, never had a doctor tell me I needed to lose weight and have had people describe me as tall and skinny. Until now...

Since I broke my knee cap my activity level has dropped (though it's picking up now), I have also entered perimenopause and losing weight has not been easy. I guess you could say, "The thing I feared the most has come upon me."  I'm about 15-20 lbs over what I should be. I have found that my clothes are getting too snug but instead of going out and getting a size bigger, I just continuously wear the ones I can still wear. I fear that getting a size bigger is accepting my current state and what will everyone think? Funny thing though...no one has ever said anything about my weight gain. My knee doc told me I needed to keep my weight down but nothing more. My physical therapist couldn't believe he said it....and yet, I'm so ashamed.

I know I'm not alone in this. Though the details of the stories may be different, the core of the story is very much the same as some of you. This issue is so common with women and I've come to a point in my life where I'm tired of it. I'm tired of worrying about this. I'm tired of thinking about my next meal and what I'm going to eat all the time. I'm tired of dreading going to my closet and getting dressed. I'm tired of bowing to that scale. I'm tired of comparing myself to other women and knowing I am so inferior because I'm so much bigger. I'm tired of dieting.

Now I do have things in my life like high cholestrol and muscle and joint problems that require me to watch what I eat and exercise but I want to do that for the right reasons, not so I can be skinnier. I don't even want to think about that. I want that to be an after thought, not the reason.

Yesterday, during my God time, I got before God and cried my heart out to Him about this prison I'm in. I asked Him to help me. Of course my initial idea of help was, just get the weight off and I'll be happy. But, we both know that's not the answer. He brought me to the following verse:

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Your works are wonderful, I know that full well

Psalm 139:14

Today, the verses continued to ring out to me when I found this through a Beth Moore teaching:

Get rid of the old yeast that you may be a new batch without yeast--as you really are.

I Corinthians 5:7a

He is guiding me to stay off the scale, to go out and buy some clothes I like even in a bigger size and He encouraged me to write this blog. I don't mind telling you, this was not easy. I've really opened a painful and vulnerable area of my heart to you. Why would I do that?? God told me too. His ways are not my ways. I don't know His plans for this blog but I know it's important to Him, to me and maybe even to you.

Heartcry for Haiti

Just like the rest of you, I have been seeing reports on the horrific earthquake that hit the country of Haiti last week. Images of a child in the arms of a rescue worker, covered with dust; rescue workers sitting on top of the debris with their head in their hands; people lying on the ground in make-shift hospitals; and communities that are now nothing more than piles of rubble. These kinds of images are so far beyond our comfort zone; so far beyond anything we've ever experienced; so far beyond anything we could ever imagine that we really don't grasp what's happening. We can turn our TVs off, close our newspapers or switch to something else on the internet. We can turn it off. It's unpleasant, we can't relate...we don't want to.

 My pastor and his wife have become pretty good friends to my husband and I. They have been very supportive of my pursuit of ministry and were right there when I broke my knee cap. My pastor's wife and I have become quite the email buddies and have been encouraging one another through some medical stuff we've each had to go through. These sweet people have eight kids, two of which were adopted from Haiti. Yesterday, the pain of the events of the past week became real for me...

During our Sunday morning service, Pastor John shared his concerns about the Haitian tragedy and how we could help with donations and prayer. In the midst of sharing, he asked three members of our congregation to stand. These three children were all adopted from Haiti, two of which were his own. As he looked at these sweet faces looking up at him, he began to share how his one daughter was from Port-au-Prince...then the grief gripped him so tightly he couldn't speak. The pain in his eyes, the sorrow in his heart was so apparent there was no denying the horror of this tragedy. He wept and fought hard to speak the words, "Had we not adopted her and brought her here, she would be there."

As I listened to him speak, I heard the unspoken words, "PLEASE HELP THEM!!" I heard the desparation. I heard the deep, deep sorrow. I heard, "We've got to do something!!" I heard a father heartbroken for what could have been and what was. I heard a father...I heard two fathers. I heard the father of 2 sweet Haitian girls and I heard our Heavenly Father. Both were heartbroken; both were merciful; both were filled with compassion.

PLEASE HELP THEM!!

Another lesson in trust...

Tuesday morning, I had the manipulation under anesthesia done on my knee as scheduled. It went very well and my knee is bending so much better now. None the less, there is still a lot of work to do; it is not easy and is quite painful. Part of the process is physical therapy. I have had to meet with my physical therapist every day since I had the manipulation done. It is in this work that I have experienced a lesson in trust...

As part of the therapy, my physical therapist has me lay on my back on the therapy table. She stands next to the table on the side of the bad leg. With my good knee bent, foot flat on the table, she places her hand on my good knee which produces her arm as an extended support. She drapes my bad knee over her arm and applies pressure at the front of my ankle to produce more flexion. Whimpering from me often happens when she does this but as I've learned to relax and trust her, I've found that it doesn't hurt near as bad and in fact the stretch actually feels good. The problem comes when I fight her. When I feel that bit of pain and start tensing my muscles trying to protect myself from the pain, I don't get as much stretch and the pain is excruciating. Even though my instincts are saying that I am protecting myself, keeping myself from being hurt; I am actually hindering the healing, slowing the process and making it much worse for me.

Then I realize how I do that with God. Watching the DVD study, "Living Beyond Yourself" by Beth Moore this morning, she talked about faith. She talked about how faith is often built during the through times. The times when we actually have to go through the tough times, the trials, the pain is when faith is really built. She called it "through faith". We make it hard on ourselves when we resist God because it hurts, it's hard or we're afraid. I know laying on that table, some of my fight comes from merely the fear of it hurting.

How often do we slow the healing process, delay the growth or simply get stuck because what God is taking us through hurts or we're simply afraid it's going to hurt?? We begin to resist, fight it and make it much harder than it has to be. When we can learn to relax and trust God, we can experience true healing and grow in faith...through faith.

We Either Trust Him Or We Don't

Tomorrow, I am going to have a "Manipulation Under Anesthetic" (MUA) done to my knee. It's like this, my knee has been immobile for months due to the fractured knee cap and as a result, it won't bend beyond 62 degrees. So, doc is going to anesthetise me and BEND IT. I'll be hooked up to a pain pump and have pain meds for a few days following. Probably a real good idea.

Knowing this procedure has been on the calendar since before Christmas, I have been asking God to please protect me from any colds, flus, or viruses going around since they won't put you under anesthetic if you're sick. My husband has been battling a cold since before Christmas that we thought was gone but now seems to have gone into his ears and a dear friend who visits me every week at least once developed asthmatic bronchitis (something I have a weakness for) a couple weeks ago. Yet with all these germs and bugs around me, I have walked through the water and fire untouched. Thank God.

Last night, I woke up with a coughing fit. I sometimes do that when I wake and I feel like something has gone down the wrong pipe and I'm choking. This usually happens when I'm battling the asthmatic bronchitis so to have this happen when I'm healthy is unusual. As I worked to pull myself together, coughing, tears streaming down my face, I couldn't help but notice that one side of my nose was all stuffed up. Panic kicked in.

"Please God!! Please God!! Don't let me get sick!! Please, don't let me get sick!!" I began thinking about how if I was sick, the surgeon would have to postpone my procedure. This in turn would take me into the next semester of seminary which begins next week and how would I possibly be able to have this done then. Then what if I would have to take another leave of absence from seminary, I would lose my scholarship. Then if I lose my scholarship, how could I afford to keep going... You get the idea.

Just then, I remembered a teaching by Beth Moore where she talked about trusting God. She described how we will be in a situation where we need something from God....like this situation I just described. We will tell Him how to fix it, do it, or provide it and then seal it with "...in Jesus' name". Then if God does not fix it, do it or provide it the way we wanted it, then we are down for the count. That, my friends, is not trust. We have to realize that God knows what He's doing and His ways are not our ways. His priorities are not our priorities. He has an eternal view whereas we have a worldly view. Everything we see here with our human eyes is temporary. Even our own bodies are temporary. He has a focus on our forever and what we go through here on this earth is preparing us for His eternal life.

When I got a grasp on this as I lay in bed, sipping on my water, I experienced such a sense of peace. I knew that God knows what's best for me. I want my eyes to be set on His kingdom and His ways and not the ways of this world.

Philipians 4:6-7 says, "Don't worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses every thought, will guard your heart and your minds in Christ Jesus." Notice it says requests not demands. It also says that God's peace will guard us not that God will do exactly what we asked. We make our requests then we trust that God hears us and is the perfect Father knowing what is best for us.

Remember Jesus in the garden, as he prayed to God he said, "If it is possible, let this cup pass from Me. Yet not as I will, but as You will." (Matthew 26:39b) That is trusting in the Father.

Think about how you pray and what your priorities are when you do. Do you truly trust God?? And by the way...I don't have a cold. I'm fine.

Life In Christ

This morning, I was reading Beth Moore's "John/90 Days With the Beloved Disciple". As I read, the following sentence jumped off the page and stirred my Spirit: "Is there anything you've given up for dead in your life, assuming it was beyond Christ's power to reverse or transform?" I stopped and stared into the lights of our Christmas tree as I pondered this question. I began to realize the power of Jesus and how nothing is dead with him. He is life. I could sense the light of His life welling up inside of me and pouring from my chest. Life!! There is true life, eternal life in Christ!!

I began thinking about the examples of this in my life and I was reminded of a journey I took a few years back. Having a love for the medical field, I had become a student in the Radiology Technologist (Rad Tech) program at IVY Tech. I had hands on opportunities with patients as I learned to X-Ray chests, arms, legs, etc. While I was fairly good at the technical part of the job I found myself drawn to the patients themselves. I wanted to hear their stories. I wanted to comfort them. I wanted to pray with them. One patient in particular was a woman who had been brought into the ER with chest pains. She was super obese and needed a special bed to hold her. She was so frightened. As I assisted my supervisor with a portable chest X-Ray on her, I was captured by the fear in her eyes. As we began to leave the room, she begged us to pray for her. I wanted to drop everything, run to her bedside, hold her hands and pray. I wanted to sit with her. But, my supervisor said over her shoulder, "We will." and told me to come with her. I wasn't allowed to pray with her. I wanted to be there for these patients if only to quietly pray for them and befriend them on part of their medical journey. Unfortunately, a bad back, arthritic feet and problems with balance stopped me cold. I couldn't continue with my education. I was done. I saw this as the end of my working life. I considered myself retired and that I would stay at home and putter.

This caused me great restlessness. I was dying but I knew there was life in me somewhere. Then (the following is a very condensed version of what happened but to lay it all out would take way too long)a member of the church we had been attending but had left, passed away. We went to his funeral; there we were reunited with members of that church and decided to return; that very Sunday, I signed up to train for Stephen Ministry (it was the last day and I had wanted to for some time); there I met a lady who was a hospital chaplain; we got to be friends; I learned through her about Clinical Pastoral Education where you serve for 4 months as an intern chaplain at a hospital; I did it; I loved it; I found my call!!!!! I am now in seminary and pursuing Masters of Divinity for ordination to serve as a chaplain. God brought life into what I thought was dead. Greater life than before!!!!

Amy Grant has a song that is one that if I could have written a song to God this would be it. "Lover of My Soul" is a song that opens my heart and soul as I listen to and sing the words in prayer to God. One line from this song that came to me this morning was,

"When I see the winter turning into spring,
Oh it speaks to this heart of mine,
more than anything.
Underneath the blanket of snow
cold and white.
Somethin' is stirrin' in the still of the night."

Don't miss the life that Christ brings to you every day. It's real. It's eternal. There is no death in Him.