This all began back in my senior year of high school. I was dating a good looking college guy I had met at a Full Gospel Business Men's Dinner I was attending with my Dad. I was feeling so good that this good looking "older" guy was interested in me. After we had been dating about a month or so, I had asked him to my prom which was about a month or so away. That's when it happened. He bet me that I couldn't lose 10 pounds by the prom. Where did that come from??? My weight was something I never even thought about. I was 5'10" and if I was overweight at all, it was only a little.
That one comment began me on a journey of worrying about my weight my entire adult life. In my late 20's, this prison went from minimum to maximum security when my former husband gave my weight as one of the reasons he no longer wanted to be married and went off with someone else. That has caused me to link love with conditional upon looks and weight (something my current husband has had to fight). I have not been able to truly enjoy food because I'm either counting my calories to the exact number or I eat something I really enjoy then feel very guilty about it later. I watch other people sit down to a meal and just enjoy it, or make a dinner at home with side dishes or bread and think, "Boy, I'd like to have the freedom to do that." The thing about all of this...I've never been overweight. I have always been within my weight limits, never had a doctor tell me I needed to lose weight and have had people describe me as tall and skinny. Until now...
Since I broke my knee cap my activity level has dropped (though it's picking up now), I have also entered perimenopause and losing weight has not been easy. I guess you could say, "The thing I feared the most has come upon me." I'm about 15-20 lbs over what I should be. I have found that my clothes are getting too snug but instead of going out and getting a size bigger, I just continuously wear the ones I can still wear. I fear that getting a size bigger is accepting my current state and what will everyone think? Funny thing though...no one has ever said anything about my weight gain. My knee doc told me I needed to keep my weight down but nothing more. My physical therapist couldn't believe he said it....and yet, I'm so ashamed.
I know I'm not alone in this. Though the details of the stories may be different, the core of the story is very much the same as some of you. This issue is so common with women and I've come to a point in my life where I'm tired of it. I'm tired of worrying about this. I'm tired of thinking about my next meal and what I'm going to eat all the time. I'm tired of dreading going to my closet and getting dressed. I'm tired of bowing to that scale. I'm tired of comparing myself to other women and knowing I am so inferior because I'm so much bigger. I'm tired of dieting.
Now I do have things in my life like high cholestrol and muscle and joint problems that require me to watch what I eat and exercise but I want to do that for the right reasons, not so I can be skinnier. I don't even want to think about that. I want that to be an after thought, not the reason.
Yesterday, during my God time, I got before God and cried my heart out to Him about this prison I'm in. I asked Him to help me. Of course my initial idea of help was, just get the weight off and I'll be happy. But, we both know that's not the answer. He brought me to the following verse:
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Your works are wonderful, I know that full well
Psalm 139:14
Today, the verses continued to ring out to me when I found this through a Beth Moore teaching:
Get rid of the old yeast that you may be a new batch without yeast--as you really are.
I Corinthians 5:7a
He is guiding me to stay off the scale, to go out and buy some clothes I like even in a bigger size and He encouraged me to write this blog. I don't mind telling you, this was not easy. I've really opened a painful and vulnerable area of my heart to you. Why would I do that?? God told me too. His ways are not my ways. I don't know His plans for this blog but I know it's important to Him, to me and maybe even to you.
I too have dreams of becoming super skinny and model like... I think it's similar to having goals such as being CEO of a Fortune 500 company or being a world-famous rockstar. While it maybe harder to achieve my comparisons, I think all of them have the same result. Once you finally get there... is it really going to be all it's cracked up to be? Sure, wearing a size 5 would be wonderful... but are you really going to love life more once you're there? Working out constantly... not eating what you want to eat... stressing about gaining a pound from that slice of pizza you had the night before... Is it really worth it?
ReplyDeleteMaybe being a certain size isn't the key to happiness. Maybe self-acceptance is. When we learn to love ourselves through our flaws (kinda like we love our family and friends through their flaws) life gets a little easier. Right now, you're probably at a point where any size isn't good enough because you're not good enough for you. We both know people in similar situations... nothing is EVER good enough. It's easy to get caught up in that thinking because that belief is quite acceptable in this society. The challenge is to overcome that mindset and believe the truth. And you know the truth. You've known it all along.
You are God's beautifully hand-crafted child... And He loves you for who you are.
Oh, Lauri...my cellmate.
ReplyDeleteIf you read my facebook entry yesterday about the scale, then you know where I am on this one already.
Unlike you, I have always and forever struggled with my weight. I can't remember a time when it wasn't on my mind...when I wasn't concerned about it. I was overweight until my 8th grade year when my mom and I went on an "eat less, exercise more" diet. It was a healthy, sensible way to get the weight off. Since then, I have yo-yo'd between unhealthy skinny, thin, "just right" (in my eyes), chubby, overweight, obese, and then back down the scale again. I've never been too interested in maintaining my weight. I get there and am so tired of the counting points or food groups or calories or whatever--that I give up.
So, now, here I am again...on my way down. This time because Paul and I are concerned about our health more than how we look...but the same old paranoia has set in. Am I eating too much? Guilt over not exercising. The mindset of "if I blow it at 4:00 by eating too many mini vanilla wafers then the rest of the night is shot."
Like you, I am tired of always "watching it." Always thinking about it. Always talking about it.
I'm having a really hard time of doing this for the right reasons and ignoring what the scales and my skinny jeans tell me.
Where is the Promised Land where weight is concerned...or not a concern? :) I really don't know anything different anymore.
I love what your other friend said... my cellmate. YES!
ReplyDeleteI've never worried about my weight until I hit my thirties. I've struggled with losing about 30 lbs since my third was born right before I turned 30. I can't lose it (I know hormones are partially to blame). I hate that I look like this. And I keep saying to myself "I just want to be beautiful again!" Since when is my beauty attached to my weight??? I never used to think this way and I'm too old to be so stupid. Yet I am.
Thank you for the verses and for being a cellmate. I'll pray for you if you pray for me.
Whether it's weight or something else, our enemy and the world send women the message that we are inadequate. Ultimately, what we do with that message affects every aspect of our lives. With middle age, weight is creeping on, but I can say that my exercise routine now makes me feel better, even though I'm never going to be a size 8 again. Now if the other struggles would only "shrink down"....
ReplyDeleteYou're not alone Lauri. Weight is a very touchy subject with a lot of women. We've all had our own personal struggles with weight. You're completely right, being content with ourselves the way we are is entirely more important than what a scale says.
ReplyDelete