I've noticed myself being very restless lately. I haven't been able to focus and do the things that I want to do. I find myself watching endless hours of TV and wanting to go to bed way earlier than usual. Today I forced myself to sit down and bring my restless heart to the throne of God. I came to realize what I'm dealing with...
On April 19 this year, my mom died. Nothing could have prepared me for the pain I have endured since that day. This is the first holiday season without her and she was such a central part of it. I kne
w I had to deal with this so today, I opened my heart and let the river of pain flow. I got out the home videos of past Christmases and watched her walking, talking, laughing, moving...living. She got so excited about the little things. I watched the love in her eyes when she held my daughter (who at the time was 2 years old) on her lap. Her family meant everything to her. She loved us. I smiled with tears streaming down my face when I watched her open a 5 foot tall container of red licorice that I had given her for a gift. I saw her hands...the same hands that reached out and touched mine the day before she died. I even saw her wearing the very same outfit she wore in her casket. I saw the ring on her finger that now sits on mine. I heard that voice that I long to hear on the phone when I call. I miss my mom so much. I watched her do things she used to do that would irritate me and now would give anything to see or hear it again. Don't ever take for granted those in your life. They are so precious.
w I had to deal with this so today, I opened my heart and let the river of pain flow. I got out the home videos of past Christmases and watched her walking, talking, laughing, moving...living. She got so excited about the little things. I watched the love in her eyes when she held my daughter (who at the time was 2 years old) on her lap. Her family meant everything to her. She loved us. I smiled with tears streaming down my face when I watched her open a 5 foot tall container of red licorice that I had given her for a gift. I saw her hands...the same hands that reached out and touched mine the day before she died. I even saw her wearing the very same outfit she wore in her casket. I saw the ring on her finger that now sits on mine. I heard that voice that I long to hear on the phone when I call. I miss my mom so much. I watched her do things she used to do that would irritate me and now would give anything to see or hear it again. Don't ever take for granted those in your life. They are so precious. After talking with a friend of mine yesterday who is also missing her mom as the holidays are upon us, I realize I'm not the only one. As much as we want to deck the halls and sing joy to the world, we also have our silent night of sorrow. We miss them. If you're reading this and you're missing someone too, please tell me about them. Leave a comment and share your story. Consider the candle on this post a representation of a candle light prayer vigil. Don't run from your grief. Face it. Let it flow. Take the time. Then on Christmas day when you are gathered with friends and family, take the love they left with you and embrace the day knowing they would want you to be happy and celebrate. Celebrate the precious gift that God gave us that will enable those of us who love and believe in Christ to be together again forever. Celebrate the birth of our King.
There is a time for everything, and a season for every purpose under heaven...a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.
Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4
My father passed away three years ago last week. Needless to say, Christmas was very difficult that year, and it is a bittersweet season for me since then. After nearly 90 years of rejecting Christ, my father trusted Christ a week before he died. I'm so thankful that I can look forward to seeing Daddy again; without that knowledge, Christmas would be very hard indeed. Praying for you today and remembering well what that feels like.
ReplyDeleteMy father passed last month. I don't like the phrase "lost" because I have not lost him. I sat with him extensively and talked and prayed with him and know he is with the Lord now.
ReplyDeleteWhen I viewed his body in the casket I knew he was no longer there and had escaped the cage that had confined him.
Do I miss him? Yes of course I do. What I don't miss is the pain I saw in his eyes the body racked with disease and breathing problems.
I rejoice in his graduation and Christ birth, life, death and ressurection confirm my anticipation in being with my dad again.
So this Christmas I have more to be happy for and less to stress over.
My mother, who is in a care facility, is another story. Because of her beliefs and acceptance of false intermediaries to God the Father I question her salvation but I am not the judge. I am grateful I am not.
So I may miss dad but suffer I am not, I personally can't wait to go to heaven even more now to share in the joy of our salvation.
Thanks for posting on my blog! When I came over here to check you out, I just started bawling like a baby. My dear 28-year-old brother died in July of 2008. I don't remember anything from last Christmas, because I was still in that fog of grief. I am determined to celebrate this Christmas (by golly, even if it kills me! ;)).
ReplyDeleteI never realized just why the holidays are hard for so many people until I lost someone close to me.Now I understand why all the lights and music and traditions can be a painful reminder. But I also can feel God's peace and the promise that I'll see my brother again in Heaven someday.
I'm not sure what your beliefs are (I only read this post so far, but I can't wait to read more), but I just finished a book called "My Dream of Heaven" by Rebecca Springer. It's basically one woman's dream of what Heaven is like. Obviously, it's not scripture, but the way she describes her Heavenly dream makes me so excited to get there and see my brother again! I can't wait!
I'll pray for you this year. And I'm sorry about your mom :(.
Hugs,
Kristy